You could have just emailed, says EU

EU LEADERS are puzzled about why Britain wrote them a letter in the age of electronic communication.

EU president Jean-Claude Juncker said: “These days we tend to go in more for emails, it’s a lot less hassle.

“I mean it’s totally up to you if you want to dick about with writing actual letters then getting some guy with a suitcase to hand-deliver them, but personally – and I believe most of the world is with me on this – I think it’s a pain in the arse.

“You could communicate by telegram if you like, or write in goat’s blood on a tiny piece of parchment and then attach it to a dove’s leg.

“That would be exactly that sort of perversely antiquated thing you people seem to enjoy.”

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Ask Holly: May needs to stay on top of her ironing pile

Dear Holly,

I know Theresa May is busy signing Article 50 today but I can’t help but wonder if she managed to have her hair done and maybe a lovely manicure too. She needs to be careful with all this Brexit business that she doesn’t let the washing up get out of hand and keeps on top of the ironing pile, because she can’t have Mr May going about in creased shirts. I do worry about her, I really do.

Sarah Vine

London

Dear Sarah,

My granny is lovely but she’s losing it a little bit. She says that ladies didn’t used to be able to do manly stuff like vote in elections or go out to work or drive buses and drink out of tankards but then one day they all went mental and threw themselves in front of horses and chained themselves to railings and burned their bras and after that the men decided to let them be in charge just for an easy life. But my granny also thinks Daniel O’Donnell is sexy so she is clearly off her head. 

Hope that helps,

Holly