BEING presented with the Nobel Peace Prize will only stroke Donald Trump’s monstrous ego. Here are five other things you should never give him.
Your phone number
Being in constant contact with your partner and family is bad enough. Imagine how awful it would be if the president could directly WhatApp his deranged thoughts over to you at any time of the day. Buy a cheap burner phone in the unlikely – but not impossible – event that you bump into him and he asks for your digits.
The Holy Grail
Trump is pushing 80. And with his diet and stressful job, he’s not got long left. The world just needs to wait out another five years, maximum, and he’ll be gone forever. The last thing everyone needs is for him to drink the elixir of eternal youth from the Holy Grail. So if you’ve got the legendary chalice kicking around, please keep it out of his little hands.
Your heart
Both literally, but mainly metaphorically. You’ve been hurt before and your guard is up, do you really think letting Trump into your romantic life would be good for you? Sure, he may be rich and powerful, but follow your brain instead. If you listen closely, you can even hear it screaming ‘Keep this disgusting freak as far away from me as possible!’
A trip to your private island in the Carribean
You’d think he’d be grateful. You flew Trump out to your remote, tropical pad multiple times, and even kept him entertained with your harem of glamorous young women. Now he’s downplaying your association, even though you made sure to keep accurate records of your fun times together, and left you for dead in jail. Some friend. Save this sort of treat for people who actually care about you.
Autonomous territory
Not even one. Trump won’t be appeased by being given Greenland. It’ll only deepen his appetite for other places like the Cook Islands, Aruba and Wales. And from there it’s only a matter of time until the US puts troops on the ground in proper countries that Europe might think about actually defending. So if you’re the King of Denmark and you’re reading this: just say no.
Your vote
You could have got away with it for a laugh in 2016. But voting for Trump after his second term, following a threatened tweak to the US Constitution, will put you firmly on the wrong side of history. That’s assuming American democracy will survive the next few years, and Trump doesn’t put his brain into a bubbling jar and declare himself World Emperor for the rest of eternity. Pray that doesn’t happen, because who even knows anymore?
