Jail The Parents Of Masturbators, Says Charity

PARENTS who allow their teenage sons to masturbate at home should face jail, a leading charity says. 

Masturbation Concern said research showed a huge increase in the fondling of their own parts by young males in recent years.

It warned that the current self-pleasuring epidemic was a ticking time bomb storing up problems for the future such as blindness, derangement and so-called 'binge-wanking'.

Halsy Knox, a campaigns officer for Masturbation Concern, said parents had to act now or legislation was inevitable.

He said: “It’s just not good enough for mum to pop into the boy’s room and leave a cup of tea on the bedside table when he is having a crafty one with the headphones on.

“Nor is it good enough to go into his bedroom when he's out and obviously rifle through his 'jazz' magazines so he knows he’s been rumbled.

“We’ve tried the subtle approach and frankly it does not work. The dirty, filthy perverts just keep doing their perverted stuff.”

Masturbation concern is also calling for daily five mile runs for every boy and compulsory mitten wearing until the age of 18.

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Teenage Boys Welcome 'Scandinavian-Style' Education

TEENAGE boys across the country were applauding the Liberal Democrats last night after they pledged to introduce Scandinavian teaching methods to the Scottish education system.

Boys aged 11 to 16 are now anticipating text books and lesson plans based on blonde ladies, extreme friendliness and a refreshingly different attitude to clothes.

Lib Dem leader Nicol Stephen said: "Scandinavia offers much that is attractive and I am, after all, just a man like any other, except perhaps Nora Radcliffe."

Jason Black, 14, from Eyemouth, said: "I don't know that much about Scandinavia, but what I do know sounds totally brilliant."

His friend, Kyle Davidson, also 14, added: "Totally brilliant. Totally, totally brilliant."