12 things that only happen when you're already pissed off

DO you ever feel like the universe hates you? Why else would it do these things to you when you’re already having a shit day?

1. Stubbing your toe. Not too bad but as it always happens when you’re having a very bad day it feels like the last straw and you want a good sob.

2. Getting your sleeve caught on a door handle. This is particularly annoying when storming out during an argument, especially if it rips your sodding sleeve.

3. Spilling an entire pint of milk. Just the kind of thing that happens first thing in the morning to create extra hassle when you’re running late and are pissed off because it’s stupid work again.

4. Maybe you should look at cute photos of puppies to cheer you up, but oh no you can’t, because the universe has just made sure your phone has run out of battery.

5. You are finally at work but things don’t get any better because you forgot to save the document you have been working on all morning and you have lost the whole thing.

6. Thank god, lunchtime! You nip out to grab a well-earned bacon roll to cheer you up, only to discover you’ve forgotten your wallet. It’s not really worth going out twice, so it’s a soggy cheese mush sandwich from the company shop.

7. When you pop to the shop on your way home your carrier bag breaks. Somehow you don’t want to eat your ready meal now it’s been on the ground. Irrational, but it’s in your brain now.

8. You just want to get home now but the universe isn’t going to make this easy. Every single traffic light you come to turns to red.

9. You get home after the worst day ever to discover you’ve locked yourself out and forgotten your keys. Now is a good time to scream. Instead you wait for your partner to get back. Don’t feel you have to rush or anything. FFS.

10. It is not a myth that tea bags wait until you really, desperately need a cuppa before they run out.

11. Sod it. You are exhausted so you go to be early and hope tomorrow will be better but what’s this? You stripped the bed this morning and forgot to put the covers on.

12. Finally, you lie down and close your eyes but the universe isn’t done with you yet. The next door neighbours have decided that now is a good time to do some DIY. They are drilling. At 9pm. Time to have that cry.

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Retired man tortured by fevered imaginings of how easy homeworker's day is

A RETIREE is unable to rest because he is tormented by visions of homeworkers mocking him with their easy lives.

Norman Steele, aged 70, worked hard all his life only for the world to go insane and let people sit at home with their feet up on full pay, laughing at him.

He said: “46 years I was at that dairy. Started at the bottom and moved up to management but I was bloody well there when my shift started or I lost my job.

“And now, just because they’ve got laptops and wifi, these young ones think they can call lying in the garden working. Playing on their Donkey Kong machines is working? Social mediating with their friends is working? Rees-Mogg’s right to tell them to get back to the office.

“I know how it works. They answer one email then they’re binge-watching Netflix and rolling marijuana cigarettes. Or ten minutes on Zoom then they’re down the gym with Loose Women on top volume. By 3pm they’re having a beer in a hammock. Is that working?

“Next door but two supposedly works from home. Well I’ve seen her hanging washing out at 11am. So that proves the whole thing is a total failure and needs to be stopped. By the army if necessary.”

He added: “I’ve not been able to concentrate on my sudoku all day and I couldn’t enjoy Homes Under The Hammer. I had to have a few extra lunchtime single malts to take my mind off these skivers laughing at hardworking people like me.”