14 ways your kids delay bedtime by dicking about

ARE your kids dicking about at bedtime for the 11,000th day in a row? This will be why:

They’ve just started a snack

Three minutes before bedtime they started eating an enormous apple. It’s healthy and they mustn’t waste it, so they’ve ingeniously got you in a complex moral stranglehold.

Their book bag is missing 

As well as their PE kit and their homework folder. Cue 40 minutes of searching before they suddenly remember they left the whole lot at school.

They need to watch the end of this show

You reluctantly agree, before realising ‘this show’ is actually a two-hour Pixar film which they are only seven minutes into.

They need to ask you a question

Okay, you agree, expecting something simple like ‘How far away is London?’. Instead they ask you to explain Pythagoras’ Theorem, and then innocently ask if school existed in the olden days when you’re unable to answer.

They’ve decided to tidy their rooms

Despite having shown zero interest in this ever before.

They want to wait up to see daddy

Despite having shown zero interest in him ever before.

They’ve locked themselves in the bathroom and are ignoring you

Your feeble pleas of ‘Have you washed your face?’ are met with a stony silence. However, rustle a sweet wrapper and they will emerge within seconds.

They have a very long story that they absolutely must tell you

It takes you ten minutes to realise that they are making it up as they go along.

They’ve lost their favourite bit of Blu Tack

The Blu Tack is their most precious possession. It must be located immediately or they will have the mother of all meltdowns.

They’re brushing their teeth

They know you can’t reproach them for this so they have mastered the art of doing whatever they want, such as playing Roblox, with a toothbrush hanging from one side of their mouth.

They’re in the middle of playing a game with their sibling

It’s weird how Monopoly is too long and boring to play when you suggest it, but great to embark on at 7.30pm on a school night.

There’s a spider in their room

They don’t give a toss about spiders until bedtime, when they suddenly develop a severe case of arachnophobia and won’t go to sleep until you have found and removed the tiny money spider they definitely saw.

They need a special outfit for school

At 10pm they emerge and announce they need a special outfit for the next day. It’s what? Viking day? Tomorrow? Tell them you’ll make something and then wrap them in a sheet and felt-tip a beard on their face, like always.

They want to tell you they love you

You hear them coming downstairs while you’re watching telly and prepare to give them hell, but they smile sweetly and say they wanted to tell you they love you. You melt instantly, even though you know they’re a devious little shit who just wants to stay up for another 20 minutes.

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Self-obsessed egomaniac expecting questions about herself on date

A WOMAN who thinks the world revolves around her was selfishly expecting her date to find out something about her life.

Narcissist Nikki Hollis believed Martin Bishop would abandon a perfectly interesting monologue about an IT upgrade at his workplace in favour of a boring Q&A session about her unimportant existence.

Bishop said: “Conversation is a two-way street. I tell her something, then it’s Nikki’s turn to look at me raptly, nodding in agreement as I move onto another thing about myself I want to say.

“Instead I caught her briefly not smiling, and at one point looking around the restaurant in the middle of a fascinating explanation of data packets. It was downright rude.

“Why bother arranging a date if she’s not interested in finding out about my job, car, flat, ISAs, washing machine, phone contract, qualifications, childhood and difficulty finding trousers with a 44” waist that don’t have ridiculously long legs?

“Anyway I did ask her a question. I asked her if we were going back to mine or her place for sex. Obviously ‘f**k off’ was not the answer I’d hoped for, but I feel I did my bit to be interested in her.”

In a rare break from thinking about herself, Hollis said: “It’s true. On my next date I’ll probably silently wish my potential partner would shut the f**k up about cycling for five minutes. It’s just the sort of unbearably self-centred bitch I am.”