WHEN you have children, it does not take long for your once-tidy house to become chock-full of stuff. Do you recognise these bits of crap that are bloody everywhere?
1. The cupboard of crap. Started as the drawer of crap but the random assortment of stuff that is never sorted out needed larger premises. Give it a few months and it’ll work its way into the spare room. In a year, it’ll have the entire house.
2. The stuff for charity you never get around to taking to the charity shop. Carrier bags full of old clothes, books and games that date back years now reside in the wardrobe, airing cupboard or car boot.
3. The not clean but not dirty clothes pile. Not to be mistaken for the undefeatable pile of dirty laundry, this bad boy is a mountain of washing that is not clean enough for the wardrobe but not dirty enough for the laundry basket.
4. The bag of bags. Rather than face the shame of buying a carrier bag when you forget your bag for life, you buy a reusable one every time you go to the shop. You now have 590 stuffed into an Aldi one, that you are stuck with, for life.
5. The ‘floordrobe’. It is a well-known fact that there is always one person in every household who is incapable of using a wardrobe.
6. The drawer of random wires. You are not even sure what they are for, but you keep this massive bundle of wiry mess ‘just in case’.
7. A pile of empty toilet rolls. There is also always one person in every household who doesn’t know how to put a loo roll on the f**king holder.
8. The ‘art’ pile. Crap the kids made that you feel too guilty to throw away. The only escape is to set your house on fire or hope for a flash flood.
9. The bathroom shelf of toiletries you might use one day. Includes mini hotel toiletries, 10-year-old Sudocrem, half a tube of Anusol and some heavily scented bubble bath your gran bought you.
10. The gift bag bag that keeps on giving. Over the years you have somehow accumulated a massive collection of gift bags that somehow replenishes itself.
11. The filing sideboard. Unopened bills you don’t want to read but you know you have to read. But not today. Tomorrow, you’ll deal with them tomorrow.
12: The shoe pile. Everything from wellies to sandals from two years ago can be found here. After three hours of searching that is.
13. The dirty TV. There are always tiny grubby handprints on every surface. The TV, patio doors and every mirror in the house.
14: ALL the bloody socks. Everywhere. Where do they come from? Down the chair, under the table, across the floor. There is no escaping the socks. Yet, you can still never find a matching pair.
15: Dead foliage. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like your kid handing you a half dead dandelion. Except maybe a stick or a squashed daisy. All of which end up on the kitchen windowsill indefinitely.