15 annoying things you will find in every family home

WHEN you have children, it does not take long for your once-tidy house to become chock-full of stuff. Do you recognise these bits of crap that are bloody everywhere?

1. The cupboard of crap. Started as the drawer of crap but the random assortment of stuff that is never sorted out needed larger premises. Give it a few months and it’ll work its way into the spare room. In a year, it’ll have the entire house.

2. The stuff for charity you never get around to taking to the charity shop. Carrier bags full of old clothes, books and games that date back years now reside in the wardrobe, airing cupboard or car boot.

3. The not clean but not dirty clothes pile. Not to be mistaken for the undefeatable pile of dirty laundry, this bad boy is a mountain of washing that is not clean enough for the wardrobe but not dirty enough for the laundry basket.

4. The bag of bags. Rather than face the shame of buying a carrier bag when you forget your bag for life, you buy a reusable one every time you go to the shop. You now have 590 stuffed into an Aldi one, that you are stuck with, for life.

5. The ‘floordrobe’. It is a well-known fact that there is always one person in every household who is incapable of using a wardrobe.

6. The drawer of random wires. You are not even sure what they are for, but you keep this massive bundle of wiry mess ‘just in case’.

7. A pile of empty toilet rolls. There is also always one person in every household who doesn’t know how to put a loo roll on the f**king holder.

8. The ‘art’ pile. Crap the kids made that you feel too guilty to throw away. The only escape is to set your house on fire or hope for a flash flood.

9. The bathroom shelf of toiletries you might use one day. Includes mini hotel toiletries, 10-year-old Sudocrem, half a tube of Anusol and some heavily scented bubble bath your gran bought you.

10. The gift bag bag that keeps on giving. Over the years you have somehow accumulated a massive collection of gift bags that somehow replenishes itself.   

11. The filing sideboard. Unopened bills you don’t want to read but you know you have to read. But not today. Tomorrow, you’ll deal with them tomorrow.

12: The shoe pile. Everything from wellies to sandals from two years ago can be found here. After three hours of searching that is.    

13. The dirty TV. There are always tiny grubby handprints on every surface. The TV, patio doors and every mirror in the house.

14: ALL the bloody socks. Everywhere. Where do they come from? Down the chair, under the table, across the floor. There is no escaping the socks. Yet, you can still never find a matching pair.  

15: Dead foliage. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like your kid handing you a half dead dandelion. Except maybe a stick or a squashed daisy. All of which end up on the kitchen windowsill indefinitely. 

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What to do when you've just wasted an hour of your life in social media comments

HAVE you just spaffed an hour of your life up the wall reading bigoted comments from illiterate strangers online? Here’s how to cope.

Admit there is a problem

Once you’ve fallen down a rabbit hole of deranged comments beneath an acquaintance’s post about whether Stalin may have had a point, it’s hard to wrest yourself away from the lunacy. Try to get enough of a grip on your outrage to admit you have a problem.

Step away from the device

If you don’t have access to social media, you can’t get involved in the toxic madness. Chuck your phone in the sea if you have to, but find a way to stop engaging with the kind of people who would have been banished to live alone on a windy hillside had they lived a couple of centuries ago.

Ask yourself what you learned

Were you in any way enriched by entering into a Twitter spat about whether lifeboats should rescue migrants with someone who mines outrage for likes? No, it just made you angry and miserable. The lesson to take from this is not to play into the hands of complete twats.

Do something pleasant for a change

There’s a whole world out there where you’re unlikely to have to engage with the bigoted opinions of bellends unless you spend several hours at a Wetherspoons on a Saturday night. Go out and do something nice, like drinking a beer in the garden, and marvel at the lack of wankers lurking in every corner.

Begin the whole miserable cycle again

The problem with taking time to relax is that your mind wanders and in no time you’ll be musing on whatever happened to Wayne Hayes, the slightly odd kid you were friends with at school. Before you know it you’ll be on his Facebook page and knee deep in comments about the government putting mind control drugs in the water supply. Begin the cycle again.