WORRIED about the huge responsibility of fatherhood? Chill out. It’s such a walk in the park that you don’t even need to learn these simple facts about your kids.
What their personality is like
Personalities are confusing. Who knows what your kids have been thinking all their lives? If their bedrooms had football posters they were probably into that. Or pop stars or even reading. The only time it will be an issue is for birthday and Christmas presents, and a wine set or a spoof Ladybird book will take care of that.
How old they are
How can dads keep up with this fact that changes every year? Instead, they will just generally consider you to be somewhere between 18 and 30, even if you’re 49 with three grown-up children.
How to give them a decent name
Dads have a busy routine of thinking about mowing the lawn, so it’s unreasonable to expect them to think of appropriate names for their spawn. That’s why it’s popular to name their offspring after themselves and chuck ‘junior’ at the end. The worst offender is Nigel Lawson, who simply called his daughter Nigella, rather like calling your daughter ‘Grahamette’.
Their marital status
Is this person your child brings along to every family event their partner or a really good friend? It’s been happening for a few years now so it would probably be rude to ask. Are those their kids or are they just looking after them for someone? Ignore this awkward issue until you’ve tidied up the shed.
Whether they’re estranged or not
A dad who hasn’t received a father’s day card in a decade won’t give it a second’s thought. In fact he’ll be proud his kids aren’t wasting money on this nonsense occasion. Meanwhile mums will shit a brick if the weekly phone call is a minute later than scheduled because that clearly means her kids hate her.