£150 champagne: The top 10 must-buy passive aggressive gifts

BEEN wronged by someone but don’t know how to exact your petty vengeance? Get back at them with these emotionally manipulative gifts.

Massive bouquet of flowers

Did your partner think you weren’t bothering with gifts this anniversary? Oh dear. That means the massive bouquet of flowers you’ve got them will burden them with guilt. Not to mention the return flights to Seville in the accompanying envelope. That should send a message that you’re furious about them never doing the washing-up.

£150 bottle of champagne

Has your best friend forgotten your birthday? Big mistake. When theirs rolls around they’ll be getting a vintage bottle of Dom Perignon. It’s so nice they’ll be forced to Google the price then be too terrified to ever drink it. Serves them right, too. The forgetful twat.

Homeless charity donation

Been invited to the housewarming of a smug, more financially secure friend? Take the shine off their new eight-bedroom country pile by arriving with a donation you’ve made in their name to a homelessness charity. ‘Just think, you could have put them up in here,’ you can muse for extra hostility.

Flashy designer watch

Don’t sweat it if you’ve been overlooked for promotion for the fifth year in a row. When the office Secret Santa comes around, treat whoever climbed the company ladder to a timepiece well beyond your budget and agreed spending limit. ‘At least now you might get to work on time,’ you can joke, menacingly.

Cold, hard cash

Been invited to the wedding of a friend who failed to turn up to yours a decade ago? Show them that you’ve moved on by bringing along a wedding gift of £200 in fresh, crisp bundles of tenners. That should help the happy couple get their new life off to an uneasy start.

A personal trainer

You can’t call your partner a fat lazy shit to their face. Not even if they’ve left a permanent arse print in the sofa. With a bit of lateral thinking though you can still get the point across by hiring them their own personal trainer. If that sounds like too much of an investment, a new Fitbit or signing them up for a Tough Mudder will have the same effect.

Driving lessons

Tired of picking up your adult son from the train station? Gently remind them that they can ferry themselves around by gifting them 20 hours of driving lessons. They can pay for the theory and practical tests themselves though, you’re not made of money.

Fortnum & Mason hamper

Perfect if your mum made a snide comment about the quality of her last birthday or Mother’s Day gift. Sorry that set of lotions from the Body Shop wasn’t good enough, here, have this ridiculously lavish basket of gourmet food instead. Arguably it’s the least she deserves for raising you, but that’s beside the point. The pheasant and orange pate will taste of nothing but guilt.

Cordless Dyson

Far too flash an appliance to be anything other than a coded message. This doesn’t say ‘you only deserve the best because you have an amazing lifestyle’. No. Instead it screams ‘you live in a f**king sty so get your shit together for the love of God’. But thanks to the nature of passive-aggression, they’ll have to accept it with a smile. Win-win.

Hot stone massage

One to disgust the other parents at the school gates, this. They’ll look like right twats as they offer up pathetic boxes of chocolates to the head of Year 3, meanwhile you’ve blown them out of the water with a full body spa treatment. That’ll teach them for making cutting remarks about your kid’s uniform and haircut.

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Woman who wants to leave night out will stay for another four hours

A WOMAN who is ready to go home from a night out will hang around for another four hours out of obligation, it has emerged.

Hannah Tomlinson has had her fill of barely being able to hear her friends over shitty club music and drinking ridiculously expensive cocktails, but will stay out for a further 240 minutes because calling it a night on her own terms would be too awkward.

She said: “My socialising batteries have completely run out and I’m contributing absolutely nothing to the fun. Best stay out until dawn and see where the evening takes me.

“Ideally I’d like to head home, grab some cheesy chips on the way, then have a wank in bed. You don’t always get what you want in life though. Sometimes you’ve got to hang out with your mates for way longer than you’re comfortable with. It’s harrowing.

“They’re not making it easy either. They’re saying I’m looking tired and are offering to call me an Uber, which is obviously reverse psychology bullshit. If I left now I’d be the subject of WhatsApp group bitching for months, so I’m in this for the long haul. Plus Lauren still owes me a drink.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I feel Lauren’s pain. If nobody else wants to leave a night out at the same time as you then you can’t slip away by yourself. It’s the law.”