A WOMAN who has been wearing a bra for 17 years still has absolutely no idea what size she is.
Lucy Perry cannot figure out the maths equation necessary to measure herself at home and fears an officious lady in John Lewis going at her tits with a tape measure, resulting in her being utterly clueless.
Parry said: “I go for 34B – the nation’s guess. But because everyone guesses 34B, there are never any in stock.
“This means the aisles are full of women with despair in their hearts and ridiculous items in their hands, like a 32AA basque that might somehow fit, if all the rules of physics suddenly disappear.
“And in terms of style the only two choices appear to be ‘slut’ or ‘matron’, which means either a tiny, uncomfortable thing made from two triangles of red lace and piano wire, or a beige, reinforced affair that covers me from belly button to neck.
“I’ve decided I’m going to make my own bra out of empty grapefruit halves and string. I’ll look weird and never have sex again but it will be less mental than ever going back into f**king lingerie departments.”