32-year old woman still not sure of bra size

A WOMAN who has been wearing a bra for 17 years still has absolutely no idea what size she is.

Lucy Perry cannot figure out the maths equation necessary to measure herself at home and fears an officious lady in John Lewis going at her tits with a tape measure, resulting in her being utterly clueless.

Parry said: “I go for 34B – the nation’s guess. But because everyone guesses 34B, there are never any in stock.

“This means the aisles are full of women with despair in their hearts and ridiculous items in their hands, like a 32AA basque that might somehow fit, if all the rules of physics suddenly disappear.

“And in terms of style the only two choices appear to be ‘slut’ or ‘matron’, which means either a tiny, uncomfortable thing made from two triangles of red lace and piano wire, or a beige, reinforced affair that covers me from belly button to neck.

“I’ve decided I’m going to make my own bra out of empty grapefruit halves and string. I’ll look weird and never have sex again but it will be less mental than ever going back into f**king lingerie departments.”

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'I'm just going to freshen up' says date, leaving to take massive shit

A WOMAN on a first date excused herself by implying she was going to fix her make-up, when actually she was heading for a dump.

Lucy Parry subtly made Jack Browne think she was going to look in the mirror, primp her hair and spray some nice scents around rather than wreak havoc on the toilet of an Indian restaurant.

Parry commented: “I simply said ‘I’ll just freshen up’ and pointed vaguely at my face, which instantly made Jack think I was going to touch up my eyeliner rather than noisily excrete the lamb bhuna which had gone right through me.

“Guys assume that ‘freshening up’ involves some mysterious but pleasant lady business rather than any bodily functions. It also sounds better than ‘Why did you take me to a curry house and cause my IBS to flare up on a first date?’

“It’s the ideal get out of jail free card. You can be two minutes or, like I was, a solid 20, and they’ll never ask any questions. It’s like a Jedi mind trick for people who think women don’t poo.”

Jack Browne said: “She was ages fixing her make up and looked far worse when she came back.”