Monday, 10th May 2021

A full English and other ways to make your day a write-off

LOOKING to start your day in the worst possible way and get absolutely nothing done? Here’s how to go about it.

Full English

Consuming that much processed pork first thing was always going to cause problems. Though it may be greatest of breakfasts, it also guarantees you’ll be slumped on the sofa until lunch, nursing your bloated stomach and hoping the meat sweats subside after another few hours.

Going for a morning run

You’ve heard about successful CEOs who begin their days at the crack of dawn with a half-marathon and try it for yourself. Unfortunately, you are massively unfit and end up almost fainting about 200 metres from your front door, before spending the entire morning wracked with pain, desperately trying to not vomit up last night’s lamb madras.

Drinking at lunch

‘If it’s good enough for Don Draper, it’s good enough for me,’ you think. Except you aren’t a hard-drinking alpha male ad executive in the 1950s, and you’re not drinking in a classy New York bar, but in a flat in Northampton. By 4pm you’re on your sixth Grolsch and you’re absolutely trolleyed.

Too much coffee

You had every intention of having a productive day. Unfortunately, by trying to make yourself as sharp and focused as possible by drinking an entire pot of coffee before 9am you have ruined everything. Very soon, the caffeine will leave you like some Vietnam war veteran, paranoid and trembling under your desk.

YouTube binge

Before starting work, you reward yourself for having not slept in again by watching one short video on YouTube. Suddenly it’s 4.30pm. You’ve spent seven hours watching inane compilations of dogs sneezing, and you’ve got numerous voice mails from your boss you’re too scared to listen to.