Friday, 14th May 2021

How to make sure your local park is middle class enough

DID you ignore your local park for decades until you were forced into using it by Covid? Here’s how to maintain standards now the sunshine has brought the riff-raff out.

Start a Facebook group

You never went in the park before the first lockdown as you were too busy driving the kids to orchestra in the Land Rover. Now you have appointed yourself moral guardian of the adventure playground and need a forum to shame the parents who vape there. 

Move your yoga class there

You can’t keep the people who have been using the park for years out by force, so do it by making them horribly uncomfortable instead. No one except wants to see 12 middle aged ladies doing a downward dog at 8am every morning.

Have a shit fit about litter

You and hubby can have a civilised picnic with bubbles and Manchego without leaving litter, so why can’t everyone else? Ignore anyone making a point about the amount of people and the lack of bins, and be a snob about disposable barbecues and cans of Carlsberg without actually using the word ‘common’.

Try to ban drinking

People have been enjoying a drink in this park for years but before Covid, you didn’t know or care because you spent your evenings necking Prosecco on your friend Tabitha’s decking. However, now you feel that slightly rowdy groups drinking cans of lager ruins the ambience, so you’ve decided to start a petition to ban it.

Call the police

If all else fails, call the police. It may be a community park, but if the community don’t behave in a way you think is appropriate, then ruthless law enforcement is needed. Those teenagers listening to music may look harmless enough, but they’re disturbing your meditation session so they should get at least two years.