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A Kings of Leon cover band in the pub: Things that pass for entertainment in the sticks

ONCE you leave a major city or town, the level of entertainment on offer falls off a cliff. Here’s what people in the middle of nowhere have to pretend to enjoy because it’s that or a Harvest Festival.

A Kings of Leon cover band in the pub

Advertised four months in advance, the local pub’s idea of a special event is booking a Kings of Leon tribute act. Punters reluctantly cough up the £3 entrance fee and soon they’re watching a fat, middle-aged man massacre Sex on Fire while regulars chat as normal. Okay, Beyonce isn’t planning an outdoor gig at Tutbury Cricket Club, but surely it didn’t have to come to this?

The car boot sale

If you think the high street is dying in cities, try your average rural shopping experience. It’s a post office and a chemist’s if you’re lucky, so instead there’s a car boot sale. Set up on the local playing field, everyone in the village gets up at 6am to sell shit they don’t want and buy shit they don’t need from their friends and neighbours. Strangely your partner isn’t happy with the birthday present you got her: a dirty vase and a Jethro DVD.

Tea afternoons

Every other Saturday the church is filled to the rafters with coffin dodgers who come in for a nice cup of tea and a bitch about something someone did in 1974. The menu is simple – cakes and tea or Nescafe, all 50p. There’s no app to collect points, you can forget about a green tea matcha frappe, there’s no wifi code and there’s one freezing toilet with a massive iron key. Also the vicar keeps coming over to have an awkward conversation. You might stick with Starbucks.

Whatever is happening in the village hall

What a smorgasbord of entertainment it provides. In the average week you could do something different every night, almost. Monday: bingo. Tuesday: Zumba with a surprisingly fat teacher. Wednesday: heckle the parish council meeting. Thursday: Boy Scouts (if age-appropriate, no paedos). Friday: Film Night, which is yet again showing, for reasons no one understands, the 2019 musical drama Fisherman’s Friends. 

Amateur sporting rivalries

Out in the sticks the drama can reach fever pitch as two monumentally shit amateur sports teams face off. The playing fields turn into Twickenham when rugby teams from two miles apart clash. If Twickenham had a much smaller crowd and far fewer red trousers. But the main event is the clash between darts or pool teams from different pubs in the same village. Sadly no one has thought to put it on Sky.

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Six jobs Hollywood actors will be doing to make ends meet during the strike

WITH Hollywood actors going on strike, hard-up A-listers will have to find other ways of making money. Expect to see them taking on these jobs.

Margot Robbie serving pints

Former Clapham resident Robbie will have no problem pulling pints in grim British pubs, apart from being on the receiving end of 10,000 lame chat-ups like ‘D’you live locally then, love?’ every shift. Do her a favour though, and don’t mention box office flop Babylon when she serves you.

Woody Harrelson driving an Uber

If there’s anyone who can get you from A to B, it’s gruff Hollywood madman Woody Harrelson. You’ll feel like you’re in your very own movie as he swerves through lanes of traffic and takes a shortcut down a route that isn’t on Google Maps. Being the maverick that he is, he probably uses Waze. ‘It’s better because it uses real-time data,’ he’ll growl.

Emily Blunt stacking shelves

Play it cool when you go to pick up some beans and clock Emily Blunt arranging the tins of chopped tomatoes. Her presence is a reminder of the fickle blessings of fame. You could be just like her one day, not by starring in blockbusters like A Quiet Place and Oppenheimer, by working in Asda. Give her a respectful nod, then quietly move on.

Timothée Chalamet in CEX

This will be a bizarre living nightmare for the star of so many massive films. Imagine how soul-crushing it must be to see shelf upon shelf of your creative output on sale for a quid, your bland, beautiful face looking back at you from the DVD covers. And he’ll only be getting £10.42 an hour. Pray the strike ends soon, for his sake.

Florence Pugh doing data entry

That can’t be her, everyone in the office will whisper. But no, sure enough, there she is. Florence Pugh, dutifully filling in an Excel spreadsheet. She appears to know all the formulas and everything. ‘I’m not researching a role about a sad but sexy office worker,’ she’ll tell you in the kitchen. ‘I just got my electricity bill and need the cash.’

Tom Cruise recording Cameos

The Mission Impossible star won’t be fazed by a little actors’ strike. He got through the pandemic so he can get through this, and he’ll do it by recording 30-second videos you can buy for £40 a pop, eg. ‘Hi, Iain from Shrewbury, you’re my wing man, not my rain man!’ It might sound expensive, but Tom will say your name as if he knows you. You can’t put a price on that. 

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