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A woman's guide to what men do in the shower

EVER wondered why the man in your life takes so long showering? Here are the things he’s doing in the bathroom he’d rather you didn’t know about.

Wanking

The most obvious course of action. He’s naked and soaking wet, so why wouldn’t he crack one off fantasising about banging some hottie against the tiles? Blame Sabrina Carpenter for needing to pour a bottle of Mr Muscle drain unblocker down the plughole at least once a fortnight.

Admiring the grouting

If he tiled the shower cubicle himself he’ll stand for ages gazing proudly at his handiwork while ruminating upon what a proper Alpha Male he is. In truth it’s a bit shit and you wish you’d got a professional in, but he’d never admit that, even under torture.

Using his pubic hair to get a good lather up

While you serenely apply shower gel all over your body before rinsing, he’s smart enough to utilise his plentiful supply of bollock fluff to generate a mountain of distributable soapy suds. It also gives him an excuse to fondle his genitals, which, as with all men, is his favourite hobby. You could be doing the same, but you shave your fanny. Who’s the fool now?

One bottle for everything

You have separate products for body cleansing, hair washing and conditioning, but he sees no point in all that faffing about. If shower foam cleans your body it’s perfectly good for hair too isn’t it? And conditioner is a no-go because men using basic grooming products to look good is way too homosexual in the current year, 1955.

Ignoring his back

Men have a much simpler central nervous system than women, so because he can’t see his back he forgets it’s even there. This might account for all the spots and blackheads you get to see as a special bedtime treat. 

Excessive arse-washing

While you just wash your bum normally like the rest of your body, he’ll be an age taking handfuls of those bollock suds and having a bloody good butt rummage. Will he succumb to the temptation to slip his finger up there? Probably not, he’s not into that sort of wild gender-bending sexual experimentation.

Having a piss

You’d rather die than urinate all over your feet, but to him it’s the perfect lizard-draining opportunity. There’s water flowing and a plughole to aim at, so he’s practically standing in a urinal. It’s baffling why women don’t choose this brilliant life hack which saves you the backbreaking effort of hanging on briefly and going to the toilet three feet away.

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How to be less racist about the Welsh: A guide for Reform politicians

TODAY’S Caerphilly by-election could be a step towards Reform winning the most seats in Wales, polls suggest. But as a party known for their old-school prejudices, here is some advice for candidates.

Don’t mention sheep-shagging

It’s a proven fact that the Welsh love bestiality, but don’t mention it in case it costs you votes. Just avoid campaigning near sheep farms unless you want be mentally scarred by the sight of dozens of orgasmic Welshmen balls-deep in ewes.

Try not to make up imaginary place names

When in Wales, your natural instinct is to make up a hilarious place name such as ‘Llani-llechi-loggi-woggi’ while pretending to hawk up phlegm. It’s funny because the Welsh language is stupid, but it may be seen as a tired stereotype. If you’re going to josh with voters, keep the tone light, eg. ‘Burned any holiday cottages recently?’

Don’t call them Taffy

When you’re trying to win over voters, it’s probably best not to refer to them all as ‘Taffy’, a corruption of the name ‘Dafydd’, their illiterate version of ‘David’. It’s sad that you have to go along with this woke nonsense, but keep your offensive slurs for X where no one can see them.

Remember they’re not all referred to by their job

Apparently not all Welsh people adopt a name based on their job, eg. Evans the Post. This makes sense in a way; it would explain why you’ve never heard of Jones the Consultant Proctologist or Davies the IT Support.

Apparently some Welsh aren’t thieves

‘Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief, he came to stay at our house and stole a leg of beef’ goes the rhyme grans repeat at any mention of Wales. It’s true because there’s no smoke without fire, but it’s best not to bring it up on the doorstep. That said, keep an eye on your phone and any meat products you have with you.

Gloss over their obsession with leeks

Some Welshies will roll their eyes at witticisms like ‘I suppose it’s leeks for dinner again’, so hold your tongue. Of course we all know they do eat leeks every single day, after choir practise wearing hats shaped like plant pots in Methodist chapels in the Valleys near Charlotte Church’s Hamas training camp.

Don’t say ‘Ivor the Engine!’ at random

When someone mentions Wales or you hear a Welsh accent it’s natural to shout out: ‘Ivor the Engine!’ However that could go down badly with Welsh snowflakes who claim to be tired of hearing about it. Frankly they should be proud of their greatest, and only, cultural achievement. By Englishman Oliver Postgate, of course.

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