Absolute arse wants you to guess how much everything in his house cost

A WEALTHY arsehole likes to make visitors guess the cost of his extremely over-priced belongings.

City lawyer Nathan Muir invites friends over mainly to demonstrate his superior wealth, but also to laugh at their ignorance of how much luxury items cost.

Muir said: “There’s nothing better than a relaxed evening with a few friends who are blown away by my amazingness when they find out my stereo cost £11,000.

“I like to invite them over for drinks then badger them with questions like, ‘Did you catch the Audi in the driveway? How much d’you think that bad boy set me back? Go on, guess. Guess! GUESS!’

“When they can’t work out it’s a 70k top-of-the-range model I’ll hit them with some playful banter like, ‘Wrong! But what did I expect from a pov with a second-hand Golf?’”

Friend Tom Booker said: “To be honest most of us only go over so we can do impressions in the pub of Nathan wanking on about his casserole dish that cost £3,500.”

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Woman using mindfulness time to plot revenge

A WOMAN is getting the most out of her daily mindfulness session by planning how to fuck up people who have wronged her.

Office worker Nikki Hollis finds the daily 15-minute routine is ideal for focusing her mind on how to get even for real and imagined slights.

Hollis said: “This week I’ve been focusing on breathing down deeply into my chest and how to get my line manager fired.

“I reckon if I threaten an industrial tribunal for bullying her career is toast. That’ll teach the evil cow to keep hassling me for being late, and it’s all thanks to meditation.

“It’s not just work. After five minutes of quiet time I remembered my ex-boyfriend’s email password, so quite soon everyone will be getting copies of anything dickish he’s ever typed.

“I couldn’t have done that without my daily 15 minutes of rising above the pettiness of everyday life.”

Wellbeing guru Tom Booker said: “Mindfulness should not be used for negative purposes, such as realising you can key your ex-wife’s new husband’s car and the big twat can’t prove a thing.”