WE all love going to the supermarket, but are you doing all you can to annoy other shoppers? Read our guide and find out.
Take a stupidly long time choosing mundane items
While obstructing other shoppers, take fucking ages to make up your mind, as if buying some milk is a decision on a par with abandoning your family to become a professional circus clown.
Show off your bad parenting
Other shoppers love wondering if they should call social services when someone’s screaming “JAYDEN! Stop being a BLOODY little BASTARD!” and looking as if they’re about to lamp a six-year-old boy with a tin of baked beans.
Show off your ridiculously middle-class parenting
Turn every purchase into a dreary educational talk, eg. “Where are the strawberries from, Luke? That’s right – Kenya! And which continent is that? It’s Africa! And what are continents on? Tectonic plates!”. Remember to speak loudly and poshly.
Be a voucher obsessive
Hoard every type of voucher, especially ones that offer pointlessly small discounts such as 10p off a bottle of gin. Then take a huge number with you and bring the till to a standstill as you try to redeem 50 Horlicks vouchers that expired in 2007.
If teenage, act like you’ve never been in a sodding shop before
If you are part of a group of teenagers, behave as though Asda is a thrilling adventure crammed with unbelievable surprises. For example: “Ohmigod, do people, like, actually BUY fish with their heads on??? Gross!”
At the till, send your child to get forgotten items
If you’ve forgotten kitchen towels, send your small child to get some. It will be a great confidence-building exercise and the long queue behind you is sure to find your child as adorable as you do!
