Accidentally buying premium petrol, and other stuff you would have laughed off a year ago

WITH the cost of living crisis really starting to bite, losing even a couple of quid is painful. Here are some financial errors you can no longer laugh off:

Accidentally buying premium petrol

Twelve months ago, grabbing the wrong nozzle and filling up with 30 litres of the fancy, expensive stuff wouldn’t have been a big deal. A treat for the car, you would think, like buying it a glass of champagne. Now, this mistake leaves you weeping on the forecourt along with all the other motorists.

Leaving the lights on

In the halcyon days of 2021, you were cavalier about leaving the kitchen light on all evening, even if it did elicit mutters from your other half about ‘bloody Blackpool illuminations’. These days it costs three times the price so your laissez faire approach is likely to cause a marriage-shaking row rather than just an irritated tut.

Choosing a sandwich that’s not in the meal deal

Though you’ve always been fairly frugal, sometimes you’d allow yourself to live like a king at lunchtime and choose a Tesco Finest smoked salmon and cream cheese. Now, straying beyond the boundaries of the meal deal could possibly cost you your summer holiday, so you’ll stick rigidly to the ham and cheddar sub, probably until you retire.

Buying a pint

Unless you’re prepared to deal with the existential misery provoked by going to your local Wetherspoons, paying for a pint will bring sharply into focus the financial mess we are in. And forget buying a round, no one can afford to have friends anymore. Eking out a single pint alone is now your entire social life.

Getting a pound stuck in a trolley

Up until recently, losing a pound coin to a trolley was the kind of thing that would make you mutter ‘bastard’ under your breath. Then you’d get in your car and never think about it again. In these dark times, an incident like this will be followed by a tense conversation with supermarket staff and an act of criminal damage performed with a screwdriver.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Ginger people carefully placed in darkened rooms

THE nation’s redheads have been carefully moved into darkened rooms to protect them from the sun, it has been confirmed.

As the heatwave gets fiercer, people with ginger hair have been relocated to shady basements and attics to shield them from the light which would fry them instantly.

Ginger Tom Booker said: “People with red hair are like antique oil paintings or ice cubes. If you leave them directly exposed to the sun then it’s only a matter of time until they’re completely destroyed.

“That’s why every year I have to be gently manoeuvre into a suitably darkened room for the duration of summer. As I’m a particularly sensitive specimen, I’m placed in a big shoe box lined with straw. Like a tortoise, except way more delicate.”

Strawberry-blonde Donna Sherridan said: “I spend autumn and winter preparing for this by foraging a huge stockpile of crisps and wine. But now the time has come to hunker down and wait for the harsh temperatures to pass.

“I’ll conserve energy by lying down and scrolling through my phone until October, at which point I’ll emerge into a chilly environment better suited to my fragile complexion. See you then.”