GOT A car? Sure you do, and it’s broadcasting to everyone what stage of life you’re at with alarming accuracy. Here are the six cars of your life:
Small, crap car – age 23
Driving around in a clapped-out three-door hatchback that struggles over 40mph and stinks of McDonald’s and marijuana? You’re lucky enough to be in your early 20s. Enjoy jump-starting it by pushing it along with your mates, because soon that’ll throw your back out.
The sensible business-mobile – age 32
Though you miss your little 1996 red Ka, it bit the dust on the way to a stag-do and now you’re obliged to get something that doesn’t embarrass you in front of women and prospective employers. It’s a boring five-seater in classy silver and you hate it.
The people-carrier – age 40
You thought you’d be a cool parent before the second child turned out to be twins. This giant bastard is a nightmare to park but perfect for carrying around so much of your children’s school shit the boot looks like a kit bin. This awful, lumbering beast is you now.
The mid-life crisis motor – age 51
Your kids are a little older now so you can afford to splash out on something just for you, your receding hairline and your diminished libido. It’s a tiny little convertible that your wife negotiated you down to, maybe a Mazda MX-5, and you drive it to golf.
The silver prestige vehicle – age 60
There comes a time in every person’s life where they have to buy a car that matches the colour of their hair, and that time is now. It’s a big Audi that you cruise around in at 45mph, almost causing accidents because everyone expects you to be doing twice that.
The small, crap car – age 75
The circle of life, eh? As if by magic, the shitty small car of your youth is back. No more than a jacked-up mobility scooter, this bad boy’s inability to get out of third is no issue because you’ve nowhere to go and love slowing everyone else down. You’ve earned it.