Are you busy all the time but achieving f*ck all?

ARE you always busy and stressed out but have f*ck all to show for it? Take our test and find out what’s wrong with your crummy life.

You’re in a rush to eat your breakfast and get to work – but why?

A) You have an important conference call with Germany due to your high-powered job with a massive salary.

B) It’s 9.30am and you got up five minutes ago due to being hungover and you’re trying to avoid yet another b*llocking.

You’re always walking around on the phone because…

A) You manage a large team who rely on your advice.

B) You never open your bills and you’re always trying to get your electricity turned back on. 

Your to-do list is massive. Why is this? 

A) You’re getting everything done to take a month off for an amazing holiday.

B) You never actually do the jobs, just keep adding to the list. Your plan to buy some new pants has been on there since 2003 and your windows are so filthy you frequently mistake day for night.

Why do you never have any free time? 

A) All your work and social commitments are carefully scheduled to get the most out of life.

B) You find yourself doing things like mindlessly eating a big bag of crisps and staring at pigeons mating, then when you look at the time the day’s just gone.

Mostly As: You’re a high-functioning, high-achieving individual and probably a bit of a git, to be honest.

Mostly Bs: You are indeed achieving f*ck all. Stop doing things like sitting on the bog for 25 minutes reading a magazine you’re not even interested in.

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Ice sculpture takes lead in polls

THE ice sculpture in last night’s Channel 4 debate has roared to a 12-point lead in general election polling. 

The sculpture, now badly melted after standing under studio lights with a quiet dignity while politicians flailed about ineffectually, is trusted by three times more people than Boris Johnson and eight times more than Jeremy Corbyn. 

Floating voter Nathan Muir said: “A lump of ice? Why not. Ice has done me no wrong. 

“Yes, there was that time I slipped on a frozen puddle and fractured my pelvis, but that was my own fault. Unlike austerity and Corbyn’s plan to tax me for not turning my garden over to a vegetable-growing collective. 

“The ice sculpture was cold, sure, but not as cold as Theresa May. It was slippery, but not like that deceitful scumbag Johnson. It’s destined to melt completely, but not as cravenly as the Lib Dems. 

“I don’t care if it’s just a bucket of lukewarm water by December 12th. Draw a face on the bucket. It’s our next prime minister.”