Are you entitled to a holiday abroad or are you not middle-class?

FOREIGN holidays may not be possible this summer. Are you already looking for loopholes to exercise your God-given right, or is your big shop not from Ocado? 

Have you already booked a holiday abroad?

A) No. Seems like a needless risk, what with the global pandemic. There’s lots to see in this country
B) Obviously. Even if the virus hasn’t died down I know La Rochelle will be missing us, and I’m sure an exception can be made for those genuinely in need. I’ll book a third dose of vaccine if that’s what it takes

Where do you stay on holiday?

A) Depends – B&B, static caravan, sometimes even an all-inclusive hotel if we’re pushing the boat out
B) An unethically affordable Airbnb, a self-catering farmhouse in the Tuscan hills, or our second home which we bought before anyone knew second homes were bad, and the locals love us. Or, occasionally, a yurt

The word ‘holibobs’ is…

A) Like an annoying child saying ‘holiday’
B) A great way to stop three weeks in Sardinia seeming privileged, and the perfect encapsulation of my cosseted lifestyle. Although I only say it ironically, to add insult to injury

What do you think of staycations?

A) They’re what normal people call ‘a holiday’
B) They are for other people

Where are you planning to go this year? 

A) Whitby, Aberystwyth, Weymouth, Cowdenbeath, there’s loads of options really, and that’s just if you stay coastal
B) Abroad. I don’t care if I have to say it’s a business trip and employ both kids, I’m going abroad and you can’t stop me


Mostly As: As you are not member of the UK’s bourgeois elite, you’ll will have to make do with avoiding going to Covid-variant hotspots until at least autumn.

Mostly Bs: You’re so middle class that you don’t holiday you travel, and any attempt to stop you doing so will damage your childrens’ educations, your mental health and your human rights. Remember to complain about the fourth wave when you come back.

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How to land your dream short, bald guy

ARE you a gorgeous woman who dreams of nabbing your very own Danny DeVito? Your unconventional tastes call for unconventional tactics: 

Don’t be ashamed

There are plenty of reasons why you might be into vertically and follically challenged chaps. Perhaps your father was one. Shout your sexual preference from the rooftops without shame, and incidentally, rooftops are a great place to spot the sun bouncing off a potential mate’s pate. It’s win-win.

Choose your hunting ground

It’s not just golf clubs and Travelodges these days. Sexy slapheads can now be found in all walks of life — banking, journalism, politics, medicine or anywhere else men try to overcompensate. That said if you’re playing the numbers game, roadside burger vans are still your best bet.

Hate on tall, hairy men

Short men are naturally bitter and jealous. So, if strapping guys with luscious locks aren’t for you, win favour with the dimunutive by bullying them. Slip in jibes like ‘How’s the weather up there?’, and ask if they need to put a lot of product in to keep their coiffure buoyant. Your short king will be thrilled and aroused by your allyship.

Boost your man’s confidence

While it’s important to drag other men down, you can also bolster your toy boy’s self-worth by talking non-stop about how hot you find him. Boost his confidence with comments about how he’s got more hair on his back than they’ve got on their heads, and emphasise how much you love being able to throw him around like a rag doll in the bedroom.

Take him on appropriate dates

It’s important to think about what kind of first date setting suits the short. You wouldn’t take a teetotaller to a tequila bar, and nor should you take a stubby fellow to anything involving high shelves or removing hats. Be kind. Wait until vintage car rallies are allowed again, so he can show you off among his own people.