Friday, 4th December 2020

Arsehole who was 'up and about before 6am' feels need to tell everyone about it

A MAN who got up slightly earlier than most people wrongly believes everyone is interested in this fact.

After arising stupidly early in pitch darkness, Martin Bishop did some mundane tasks which he would later mention in a series of utterly tedious conversations, texts and Facebook posts. 

Bishop said: “Before 6am I’d checked my email, done a bit of minor DIY and put a chilli con carne in the slow cooker. Yes, I could’ve kept shtum, but people must hear of my inspirational lifestyle.

“While others were lazing around in bed until a leisurely 7.30, I’d already made enough protein powder smoothies to last me all week. Not only that, I’d also popped out for a newspaper. You’re shocked, I know.

“I realised this would be of interest to everyone I know. If they find it in some way ‘boring’ that’s because they are jealous underachievers.” 

Bishop also went for a run so he could post a Strava map captioned ‘Cheeky dawn 5k’ on social media, and later a picture of an unremarkable coffee with the comment ‘Early start for me!’.

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “I genuinely do not give a shit if Martin put up a shelf at 6.34am. I got up at 4am. Admittedly that was for a piss, but it’s equally uninteresting.”