Artisan bakery like methadone clinic for middle class people

AN artisan bakery is making middle class people behave as if it were dispensing a heroin-like substance.

The Flour and Dough bakery in Bristol always has a queue of anxious-looking urban professionals peering in its windows well before it opens at 8.30am.

Dishevelled property owners, who moved from London to try and escape £8-a-day sourdough habits, are desperate to get their hands on its baked goods even to the extent of having a small, very shit fight.

Customer Nathan Muir said: “I can’t sleep thinking about the loaves with the olives in. I have one in the morning but then the effects wear off by the evening then it’s like I’ve got bugs under my skin.

“But even a standard sourdough loaf would be enough to stop me clucking.”

The bakery also sells semi-ironic Eccles cakes and small unsatisfying pasties that cost £3.50.

Owner Stephen Malley said: “We leave little bread morsels on the counter with some dipping oil. That’s usually enough to get them on the hook.

“Once they’ve got a serious habit you jack up the prices. We do a bloomer for £68, this morning some poor web designer bastard was trying to swap his iPhone 8 for it.”