Artisan bakery like methadone clinic for middle class people

AN artisan bakery is making middle class people behave as if it were dispensing a heroin-like substance.

The Flour and Dough bakery in Bristol always has a queue of anxious-looking urban professionals peering in its windows well before it opens at 8.30am.

Dishevelled property owners, who moved from London to try and escape £8-a-day sourdough habits, are desperate to get their hands on its baked goods even to the extent of having a small, very shit fight.

Customer Nathan Muir said: “I can’t sleep thinking about the loaves with the olives in. I have one in the morning but then the effects wear off by the evening then it’s like I’ve got bugs under my skin.

“But even a standard sourdough loaf would be enough to stop me clucking.”

The bakery also sells semi-ironic Eccles cakes and small unsatisfying pasties that cost £3.50.

Owner Stephen Malley said: “We leave little bread morsels on the counter with some dipping oil. That’s usually enough to get them on the hook.

“Once they’ve got a serious habit you jack up the prices. We do a bloomer for £68, this morning some poor web designer bastard was trying to swap his iPhone 8 for it.”

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Ride-on lawnmower still pinnacle of man's desire

A MAN has still not achieved his life’s goal of owning a ride-on lawnmower and a garden big enough to use it, he has confessed. 

Tom Booker is married with children, has run a marathon, seen his football team win five league titles and had a threesome, but has never lost sight of his true goal.

He said: “If I’m honest I thought I’d be there by now. I’ve spent years visualising myself proudly astride that John Deere ride-on. But goals aren’t goals if they’re easy.

“I could buy the mower now, cash, but the problem is it’s impossible to justify when my garden’s only 25 square metres. So I need to work harder, get promoted, move to the M4 corridor and spend three hours a day commuting so I’ve got the acres it’d need.

“A ride-on is the ultimate pointless status symbol. It’s like a toy car for people who already own an actual car.

“Sure, I’m happy. But if I don’t achieve my dream of owning a ride-on mower then what’s it all been for?”