Saturday, 4th April 2020

Awful things you'll have to do if you want money from your parents again

YOU’RE skint and the only people you can turn to are your parents. What will Mum and Dad want in return for all that cash?

Start calling them ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’ again
They’re aren’t of the generation where calling them by their first names is acceptable, and apparently it’s disrespectful to have them saved in your phone as Boomer 1 and Boomer 2.

Do a sensible five-year financial plan
Don’t tell them that the only plan you’re interested in is stopping them selling the family home and spunking the cash up the wall on exotic cruises, the selfish bastards.

Be polite about your mum’s cooking
For decades she’s been pushing her flapjacks on you as a lovely home comfort, whilst knowing they’re an assault to your mouth. Even her baking is passive-aggressive.

Reluctantly invite them round to the flat they’ve been financing
This will be a logistical strain as well as an emotional one as you’ll need to hide the expensive shoes and designer succulents you’ve been spaffing their money on. While they’re definitely to blame for the neuroses that led you to purchase an adult babygro, they don’t need to see it.

Practice looking like you enjoy hugging them
Your preferred way to communicate with your parents is via terse Facebook posts on their birthdays. However, the bank of Mum and Dad gives amounts of cash in direct correlation to amounts of affection, because they love to revel in your discomfort.