Bald man secretly wishes he still had hair

A BALD man has admitted that, though nobody would ever suspect it, he would actually prefer to have hair.

Thom Booker, aged 39, has successfully acted like he is completely unbothered by his lack of hair for almost a decade, with not even close family or his girlfriend suspecting that he misses it.

He said: “Most people I know are absolutely convinced I shave my head as an aesthetic choice. That I can’t grow it would be genuinely surprising to them.

“I carry it off so perfectly, the smooth dome set off beautifully by my goatee, placed in ironic brackets by my youthful T-shirts and wardrobe of baseball caps, that it’s just an unquestioned element of my whole drip.

“Not one person in a thousand would guess that sometimes I look at old photos of myself with hair. That I dream of that silky mane flowing naturally from my scalp again. That sometimes I photoshop the hair of Jason Momoa onto myself and weep.

“But, like I say, that’s a complete secret to everyone and they must never find out. I’ll just continue as the confident, sexy, entirely-untroubled-by-baldness guy the world knows and admires.”

28-year-old girlfriend Sophie Rodriguez said: “He thinks we don’t know? Poor, deluded bastard.”

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In a minute, WASPI ladies, I'm annoyed at a football kit, says Starmer

KEIR Starmer has told WASPI campaigners to bear with him because he is currently annoyed about a little flag.

The Labour leader has insisted that Women Against State Pension Inequality campaigners calm down and busy themselves with some washing up while he has a big manly chat with the football people about a colourful little flag.

Starmer said: “I know, you ladies want your pocket money and that’s adorable. However the Nike St George’s cross is obviously much more important.

“Yes, you’re owed roughly £36 billion in compensation, which is astonishing. But look, the tiny cross on the back of the England kit collar isn’t red like it used to be. I think you can understand why this is my priority at the moment.

“I’ve got to nip this woke bullshit in the bud or it risks becoming my bacon sandwich moment. Piss and moan about it with Owen Jones down at the hair salon all you want, it won’t change anything. You’re just going to have to put your big girl pants on and wait.

“What are you going to spend that money on anyway? A new bonnet and trips to the Bingo hall? The best things in life are free, you know.

“Be a dear and make daddy a cup of tea while you’re waiting? Ta.”