Beautiful pair of high heels to be stuffed in handbag by 8.30pm 

A STUNNING pair of designer heels will be too unbearable to wear an hour into a night out, their owner has confirmed. 

The handmade point-toe six-inch stilettos, which cost so much that Nikki Hollis has had to switch the cat to dry food only, are exquisite and entirely unsuited to being worn on the feet. 

Hollis said: “They’re so pretty. I feel like Cinderella. Don’t look at the way my toes are bent over each other. I can’t feel all of them.

“Honestly they’re so comfy – as long as I don’t try to stand up at any point and remember to reapply my blister plaster. But that’s fine, loads of people come to nightclubs for a lovely sit.”

Hollis removed the shoes after her second drink, claiming they were ‘too special’ to risk wearing out and she ‘didn’t want to ruin them.’

She added: “I just like the feel of the city streets beneath my bare feet as I wait for an Uber. Also I don’t want them looking too bloodstained in pride of place on the shoe rack.” 

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Dad takes everything out of shed and puts it back in again

A FATHER-OF-TWO removed every item in his shed then put them back again for some reason, it has emerged.

Roy Hobbs removed at least 50 items including garden tools and old paint tins before replacing them exactly as before with the air of someone carrying out a vital task.

Wife Sandra said: “I thought maybe Roy was chucking some stuff out but he just put everything on the lawn, looked at it, then started putting it back. I am completely baffled.

“It was almost like a military inspection. Maybe he was imagining he was a general and the lawnmower and old jam jars were his tanks and troops. I’m not sure. It’s too fucking strange.

“What confused me is that a lot of the stuff – a deflated space hopper, for example – was clearly junk that could have been chucked. But no, back it went, into special ‘space hopper corner’.

“When he came in he looked as if he’d really achieved something. But what? I think it’s some sort of secret man ritual. Maybe they secretly worship some ‘god of sheds’. That would not surprise me.”

Roy Hobbs said: “Of course it was a useful exercise. Now I know where the broken vacuum cleaner is if I need it.”