Tories annoyed Brexit not leaving time to bollocks up other things

TORIES are concerned the government is so bogged down in Brexit it does not have time to destroy the rest of the fabric of society.

With Theresa May facing daily Brexit problems and top talents like David Davis constantly being called away to Brussels, many MPs feel they are neglecting other problems they could be causing.

Tory MP Denys Finch Hatton said: “Brexit is taking up valuable time that could be spent on weird policies there is absolutely no public demand for.

“We could be privatising food banks. We could get Wonga to run them. Then you could get another loan while you’re collecting your free food. That makes perfect sense to me.

“Then there’s guide dogs. It really is time we made these hounds profitable. I’d like to see strict targets for helping blind people across the road, with underperforming dogs being put down.

“Yes, we just introduced voter ID and ballsed it up, but we could have done so much more. Voters should have had to sing three verses of the national anthem before being allowed to vote.

“We could be doing all this if it weren’t for Brexit. Maybe it’s time to think the unthinkable and fuck up Britain from inside the EU.”

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Five totally unrealistic career paths to waste your life on

WHY waste your life in a boring office job when you can waste your life chasing a much more exciting job you’ll never actually get to do?

Here are five completely unrealistic career choices that will guarantee you never have to pay back a penny of that student loan.

Professional poker player

Are you a savant with a superb memory, brilliant deductive skills and nerves of steel? No, we didn’t think so, but don’t let that stop you kidding yourself you can take up this supercool career.

Convince yourself all you need to do is get some hours in playing poker online and watch lots of fictional poker games like the one in Casino Royale, then go ahead and book a flight to Vegas.

Professional footballer

Ignore the fact that a career doing something you enjoy with extremely high pay, national hero status and the chance to date beautiful women might be quite competitive.

Silicon Valley entrepreneur

Don’t let living in Slough and being unable to work out which telly remote does what put you off a life of luxury as a billionaire tech magnate in California.

Simply imagine you’ve got a brilliant concept like Facebook – maybe ‘LinkedIn for pets’ or something equally flawed – and you’ll get the computer nerds to actually make it work for you.

If you’ve moved back in at home after uni your parents will probably pay for your ticket just to get you off their guest futon.

Horse wrangler

We’re not sure what being a horse wrangler exactly entails, but they are incredibly cool and rugged, out there in the great outdoors wrangling their noble beasts. Ignore the sad truth that in reality a lot of the job is probably quite boring stuff like taking horses to the vet if they’re constipated.

TV presenter

Absolutely the best unrealistic career. It requires no particular skills, has vast earning potential and all you have to do is enrol on a dodgy £800 course at a tatty studio in London.

Sure, no one who ever did the course has actually become a TV presenter and your showreels will be 100% ignored, but when you announce you’re a TV presenter who hasn’t actually been on TV the student loans people will just give up.