Being in a band, and other things that cease to be cool in your 30s

CERTAIN things are the height of cool when you’re in your teens and 20s. But once you hit 30, they quickly become deeply, deeply tragic. Including these.

Being in a band

The ability to clumsily strum out Stairway to Heaven is a ticket to Cool Town in your teens, however it’s an ever-depreciating asset. Unless you quickly learn how to write your own songs, tour, and get picked up by a record label, your musical ambitions should be left to die. You’re 34 and you do data entry for a living. It’s over, accept it.

Dating someone in their early 20s

Hotties in their physical prime have an understandable appeal, but by your mid-to-late 30s you should have got them out of your system. Your mates will no longer look on with amazed envy should you rock up to the pub with a 20-year old who doesn’t remember the Stars Wars prequels. Instead, they’ll take you aside, quietly ask what the f**k is going on, and slip you the number for a therapist.

Coming to work hungover

Going out on the lash and stumbling into work hungover is fine for young people. Their jobs are largely irrelevant and they get paid so little they’ll barely notice if they get sacked. Try staggering into the office bleary-eyed, clearly still pissed and stinking of Doom Bar in your 30s though and the reaction is less likely to be ‘A few bevvies on a school night? Nice one!’ and more ‘The first step to recovery is admitting you’ve got a problem’.

Having zero responsibilities

Nothing is cooler to a young person than answering to nobody except themselves. Conversely, the lack of relationship or career responsibilities strikes dread into the heart of everybody aged 30 and above. Why do they suddenly decide they like their job they hated a couple of years ago, and rush to find last-ditch partners who are dull but not noticeably deformed? Unfortunately after all this compromise in your 30s, the midlife crisis kicks in five years later, so you’re f**ked either way.

Talking about the glory days of school

Reliving that epic hat-trick you scored in Year Nine or the time you told Mr Bates to f**k off during double English is tolerable at best in your 20s. If you’re still bringing these incidents up in your 30s though, consider your life a failure. All of your anecdotes should be about more exciting topics like your preferred motorway service station or the price of childcare. That’s what keeps a late 30s pub audience rapt! Sadly, that is not a joke.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Can you guess the Tory MP by their blackmail sex scandal? A fun game for families

EVERYONE loves Conservative MPs and their propensity to stumble into hilarious sex outrages. Gather the family around and match the backbencher to their scandal!

Scandal one: Met man on dating website, went back to his, got locked in by ‘some bad people,’ campaign manager paid £6,500 from own savings later reimbursed from campaign funds

Answer: Someone’s been keeping up on the news! That’s right, this is Mark Menzies, member for Fylde, the horndog and former energy minister once accused of paying a Brazilian male escort for sex and meow-meow who strongly denies all wrongdoing!

Scandal two: Fell for a Grindr honeytrap and sent nudes and the private contact details of several fellow MPs to an anonymous blackmailer

Answer: Well done to mum for spotting this one! Yes, just last week William Wragg admitted falling for this sexy sting, the irrepressible stud always up for sexting someone he’s not sure he knows who’s lost the whip but is still sitting!

Scandal three: Arrested and charged after fleeing the scene of a car accident wearing a PVC miniskirt, banned from driving for six months

Answer: Little Tommy’s got a long memory! Yes, it’s member for Bridgend Jamie Wallis, who separately was blackmailed, co-owned a sugar daddy website, and ran companies which received hundreds of Trading Standards complaints! Trés hot!

Scandal four: Sexually assaulted two men at a private members’ club which uncovered six other allegations of impropriety – but wasn’t blackmailed because he’s Chief Whip

Answer: Good work Auntie Kath for delving all the way back to 2022 for Chris Pincher, the man whose non-resignation caused Boris Johnson’s downfall and, unlike all the above, is no longer an MP! But can still call himself ‘the Right Honourable’ for life

Scandal five: Watched pornography on his phone in the House of Commons not once but twice, claiming he was looking for websites about tractors

Answer: Nobody? No? It was Neil Parish, former member for Tiverton and Honiton, who actually did the right thing, resigned and now appears on the news preaching to his colleagues from the relative moral high ground! That’s how far the party has fallen!

Please note: for reasons of space, this game could only include post-2020 scandals and did not include Conservative MPs convicted of sexual offences, of which there were several.