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Body positivity over, be skinny with big tits again, women told

WOMEN have been informed that body positivity’s time has passed and being thin with large breasts is their new look. 

Messaging that women should embrace their flaws and natural bodies, along with enthusiasm for thiccness, has been declared outdated and all women should strive to have zero body fat except for on the chest, and immediately.

Human woman Donna Sheridan said: “Wow. For a few years there I almost felt like it might be acceptable to be me. Weird, I know.

“The trauma of every 00s magazine was fading, I was feeling good about myself and I was saving huge amounts of money not forcing myself into a body template I can never, ever fit. But that’s over. Thank you, Ozempic and Sydney Sweeney.

“Natural is back as a synonym for ‘wrong’, Instagram’s back promoting risky and extortionate surgery in Turkey, and Kim Kardashian’s crushing her internal organs in a corset. Everything’s normal again.

“I really appreciate the indirect reminders too. If I’m ever not thinking about how disgusting being size 14 is, I can walk into an Urban Outfitters where their standard mannequin’s waist is the same width as my right arm.

“The sun’s out and I can spend every waking moment wanting to hide while simultaneously wishing I had a double D pair I could expose to be stared at. Then next year they can tell me it’s all changed again. Brilliant.”

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Workmate who saw Northern Lights putting on astounding display of smugness

YOUR colleague who witnessed the Aurora Borealis at the weekend is treating everyone to a once-in-a-lifetime display of smugness, it has emerged.

The entire office has had its breath collectively taken away by the dazzling, awe-inspiring spectacle of self-satisfaction by Tom Booker, who happened to go out into the garden at the right time.

Colleague Helen Archer, aged 36, said: “I can’t believe how lucky I am. What a show Tom put on. Definitely something to tell the grandkids.

“People usually have to go away for two weeks, at great expense, for a self-congratulatory extravagazana like the one Tom provided. But here it is, in our office, on a Monday morning. That’s that life goal miraculously ticked off the bucket list.”

Martin Bishop from HR added: “At first I thought I was hallucinating. There’s no way I was actually looking at the hypnotic, shit-eating grin of someone who saw the Northern Lights right here next to me. That just doesn’t happen.

“The smugness was radiant, flickering, ever-changing, almost unearthly. It was even more stunning than when Amanda married the millionaire or when Josh says he doesn’t have a TV. I’ll remember it for the rest of my life.

Booker said: “Yeah, I saw them both nights. Although by Sunday the novelty had worn off somewhat.”

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