Cafe owner would prefer invasion of bikers than middle-class mums

THE chaos and disruption of an invasion of middle-class mums and their spoilt children makes a Hell’s Angels rampage look like nothing, a cafe owner has claimed.

Helen Archer’s Bournemouth cafe is regularly taken over by affluent mothers screaming in her face about gluten and reacting violently to any attempt to curb their offspring’s creativity.

She said: “I don’t mind the bikers. Sometimes they smash up a chair or two, but it’s only because their toxic masculinity makes it hard for them to express their emotions.

“But get a couple of MILFs with pushchairs in and I’m trembling behind the counter in abject fear as Conrad and Jocasta smear jam everywhere and pummel the furniture with their wooden toys.

“They arrive mob-handed and act like they own the place. Other customers have stopped coming because they keep telling gruesome childbirth stories in their loud, posh voices.

“Some of them even bring their own food because the kids have made-up special dietary requirements. It’s a cafe for fuck’s sake. I swear they just get a kick out of humiliating me.

“I’d bar them but I’m scared I’ll be locking up one night and I’ll hear a Mercedes 4×4 revving up behind me. Then the headlights flick on.”

Archer admitted she had invited the local chapter of Satan’s Slaves to visit but they “did not want to get mixed up in any heavy yummy mummy shit”.

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Five quirky things to do instead of having a personality

NEED a personality in a hurry but not sure how to get one? Try these stress-free alternatives to being a well-rounded human being!

1. Develop an obsession with a type of beverage

Coffee, craft beer, or whisky, it’s not important – the only thing that matters is that you don’t shut up about it. Boycott Costa, roll your eyes at Wetherspoons and openly mock Jack Daniel’s, because all you care about is that ‘caramel mouthfeel’ and the satisfaction that comes from acting like you have interests.

2. Learn to speak a foreign language

But not a mainstream one like French or German – what is this, secondary school? Hide the fact that there is nothing going on behind your eyes by learning a few phrases in Xhosa or Basque. Then you can drop your new words into conversation and pretend you don’t even know you’re doing it. It’s easy as pastiza.

3. Imply mysterious sexual ambiguity

Hint that you lead an alternative lifestyle of wild sexual debauchery, like swinging, spanking, rope play, or doing it with the lights on. Drop cryptic references to Torture Garden into chats in the office kitchen. Don’t worry, you won’t actually have to go there, but your friends will think you might, and that’s good enough for you.

4. Take up an old-fashioned hobby

Knitting is a bit too common these days, but have you considered deer stalking, playing jazz euphonium, or taxidermy? Panic no more when asked if you have weekend plans – you can just reply, ‘I’m off to stealthily pursue and kill a deer, and then mount it next to my home-brewing kit and my eskuburdinak, like the interesting person I am.’

5. Get a tattoo

Use a tattoo to spell out, quite literally, that you’re not like everyone else, except the people with tattoos. Ideally you should have more than one, and each of them should have a anecdote to go with it. The anecdote should be more interesting than ‘I wanted a tattoo so I could talk about it instead of confronting the void that is my inner life’, so get thinking.