Skrnsson takes gold in Uphill Nordic Skjord

FINLAND’S Rinsu Skrnsson defended his Olympic title last night, taking gold in the 2×4000 Uphill Nordic Skjord.

Skrnsson finished the course in a time of 16 hours, 28 seconds and 14 trees, just two-one hundredths of a tree ahead of Swedish rival Grunter Halbordshmardonson.

It completed a day of mixed fortunes for the Finns after Hedia Trykkso and Bippi Hylvs were disqualified from the Chamsark Ice Fluting after a flagrant triple byerk.

Video replays revealed that when the Bilsu was roasted, Trykkso and Hylvs both had their trumschlack 15mm over the Bilsunterlandergeschaft line.

Team captain Smatta Fanishuk said: “The girls have worked on their in-line byuutobarg for four years, only to double skrntarg as soon as the whistle was blown.

“But we are delighted for Rinsu. He has been skjording since he was old enough to strap on a pair of kruntterappartongs.”

Meanwhile an unpronounceable shadow has been cast over the games after a Norwegian competitor tested positive for moose adrenalin.

Asbjorn Aasgjaraaabdye was stripped of his gold after breaking the world record in Endurance Husky Freggling with an incredible average of 8.72 hounds per kilometre.

But despite Aasgjaraaabdye-gate the organisers insist the games have got off to a strong start with large audiences attending the Women’s Pjoostal Smerdvig and the much anticipated semi-final of upside down donkeys on ice.

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Woman hires Mafia hitman to execute her if she doesn’t stick to diet

A WOMAN has ensured she will keep to her health regime by paying a hitman to shoot her if she fails to lose three stone by the end of June. 

Eleanor Shaw, from Didsbury, who has previously failed to lose weight on the Atkins diet, Weightwatchers, the Cambridge Weight Plan and a raw food regime, took the drastic step of hiring a professional killer because she has a wedding to go to.

She said: “No cheat days for me or I’m looking at the wrong end of a sniper rifle. That’ll keep me honest.

“I’ve tried the whole gym thing because £50 a month would make sure I went, but then I just stopped bothering. I did Weightwatchers because the shame of admitting I’d put weight on in front of all those women would make me lose it, but I stopped turning up.

“Well, there’s no way I can get out of this one. If I’m even one pound over then I’m in the cross hairs and bam! He’s sworn on his family’s honour. Better get on the cross-trainer!”

Friends expect Eleanor to do well up until Easter, then to abandon her diet and just act like the whole hitman thing never happened.