Can you play the guitar or was it something you'll regret saying whilst pissed?

MANY of us like to think we can play the guitar, but is it just a drunken boast you’ll come to regret if someone hands one to you? Take our quiz and find out.

What song are you going to play?

A) What would you like?

B) Just give me a minute… er… is this tuned… OK… I’m pretty sure we all want to hear Wild Thing, right?

What sort of guitar have you got at home?

A) A really nice Yamaha acoustic and a Les Paul for rocking out.

B) Hang on… just give me a minute, so a G chord is with this finger and then with this finger it’s… yeah, I’ll have a top-up please…

Have you ever been in a band?

A) Yes, we do quite a lot of local gigs and festivals.

B) Yes, when I was 17 I was in Psychotics of Oblivion. Although it was mainly just me and Simon imagining being famous whilst playing Wild Thing.

Who’s your favourite artist, from a guitarist’s point of view?

A) Hendrix. Every time I listen to him I hear something new.

B) The Troggs. Because they did Wild Thing. With just the three chords.

That was… amazing.

A) Thanks, it’s just practise, really.

B) Yeah, I knew you’d like to hear just the riff from Smoke on The Water repeated for three minutes, although it may have felt like three hours. Oh. Are you taking the guitar away? I feel a bit stupid now.

Mostly As: Wow, you can genuinely play the guitar.

Mostly Bs: Hopefully you have learned your lesson and will no longer pretend to be a good guitarist. You can’t even play Mr Tambourine Man, for fuck’s sake.

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All London friendships based entirely on geographical convenience

PEOPLE in London are prepared to be friends with absolute wankers if they live down the road and it does not take well over an hour on public transport to visit them, it has emerged.

Londoners say even the most insufferable bastards can be tolerated if it does not mean spending a tenner just to get to their house and having to listen to several shitty buskers on the way.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “Lots of my friends already live in London so when I moved here I thought it would be one long cosmopolitan brunch with endless mimosas on the South Bank.

“But it turns out London is ridiculously fucking massive and we all live at opposite ends of it. To be honest, my house is actually in Kent and I could probably get to Paris quicker than I can get to my mate’s house in Enfield.

“So the people I now count as ‘friends’ are the annoying woman who’s always on my commute, the bloke next door who tries to engage me in his mentally unwell racist conversations, and my cat.

“Would I move? No way. London’s brilliant, even though it steals all my money, makes me lonely and I don’t even technically live in it.”