Friday, 22nd January 2021

Can't sleep? How to make sure your partner f**king well knows about it

DRIVING yourself mad trying to get to sleep? Why suffer alone? Here’s how to broadcast your insomnia to whoever shares your bed: 

Audible sighs

Huffing and puffing is a great way to send up the flares. Start off gently but you’ll probably need to go full-on Darth Vader if you want results. Remember, if your partner’s not awake then how can they feel sorry for you?

Toilet trips

Trips to the loo offer lots of great opportunities to turn on lights, loudly trip over things, accidentally get back into the wrong side of the bed. And don’t forget to flush, or to loudly sing Master of Puppets while you wash your hands.

Change the sheets

How can anyone sleep in these foetid sheets? They must be changed immediately. Yes, your partner will have to get out of bed or at the very least perform several precision rolls, but they’re the inconsiderate one, with their gentle snores and restful repose.

Hoover

Why waste this golden opportunity to catch up on housework? If your partner complains, ask if they want to get up and do it instead, the lazy w*nker. How dare they leave it all to you while they just lie there? If anything they should be grateful.

Scream

If all else fails, just scream in their face from an inch away. There’s nothing quite like being jolted awake by a lunatic at the absolute peak of their fury. If you wait until your insomniac frustration has had a few hours to stew, they’ll definitely be too traumatised to do anything but sympathise.