Can't sleep? How to make sure your partner f**king well knows about it

DRIVING yourself mad trying to get to sleep? Why suffer alone? Here’s how to broadcast your insomnia to whoever shares your bed: 

Audible sighs

Huffing and puffing is a great way to send up the flares. Start off gently but you’ll probably need to go full-on Darth Vader if you want results. Remember, if your partner’s not awake then how can they feel sorry for you?

Toilet trips

Trips to the loo offer lots of great opportunities to turn on lights, loudly trip over things, accidentally get back into the wrong side of the bed. And don’t forget to flush, or to loudly sing Master of Puppets while you wash your hands.

Change the sheets

How can anyone sleep in these foetid sheets? They must be changed immediately. Yes, your partner will have to get out of bed or at the very least perform several precision rolls, but they’re the inconsiderate one, with their gentle snores and restful repose.


Why waste this golden opportunity to catch up on housework? If your partner complains, ask if they want to get up and do it instead, the lazy wanker. How dare they leave it all to you while they just lie there? If anything they should be grateful.


If all else fails, just scream in their face from an inch away. There’s nothing quite like being jolted awake by a lunatic at the absolute peak of their fury. If you wait until your insomniac frustration has had a few hours to stew, they’ll definitely be too traumatised to do anything but sympathise.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Meghan Markle's totally accessible guide to International Women's Day

by the Duchess of Sussex

I LEFT the monarchy in the ultimate feminist act of telling my husband what to do. This is how to celebrate International Women’s Day by being independent and a princess.

Marry a prince

We’re all princesses really, and the best way to prove it is by bagging your very own royal. I know Andrew’s the only one available at the moment, but this family loves divorce so you never know when someone else will become free.

Be so beautiful that no one judges you for your looks

It’s easy: just be naturally very good-looking and have enough wealth for as many facials as you want. You’ll be judged even less if you have a spouse who’s not as attractive as you, and possibly ginger. He’ll make you seem less shallow, and you’ll look stunning by his side.

Influence your man so much he’ll leave his own family

Really, Harry doesn’t need a brother or a dad – it’s just a continuation of outdated patriarchal traditions. It would be anti-feminist for him to prioritise them over my female friends in Canada.

Show that you admire strong female decision-makers like the Queen

By sucking up to her a bit, I hope she’ll let me keep at least one of my tiaras. I refuse to be just another ‘shit hat’ princess like Beatrice and Eugenie.

Make a list of top female role models

I’m choosing Oprah Winfrey, Nicole Scherzinger, Kristen Bell – basically anyone who will boost my chances of getting voiceover work at Disney. Idina Menzel, I’m coming for your job, bitch. I mean, sister.