Cat living Sheba lifestyle on Whiskas budget

A CAT is trying to live an upmarket, Sheba lifestyle on Whiskas money, it has emerged.

Holly, a four-year-old tabby, insists on receiving the highest quality food, service and lodgings despite not contributing a penny towards the running of the household.

Owner Emma Bradford said: “I try my best to meet Holly’s exceptionally high standards, and they are insanely high, especially for someone who shits in a box in my living room.

“Supermarket own-brand, Felix, Whiskas, she just won’t eat it. I swear she can even tell when I’ve bought tins that are on offer.

“The only food she’ll deign to consume is stuff that has a picture of a snooty pedigree cat on it. It’s like the food tastes better to her when she knows I’m spending half the week’s wages on it.”

Holly said: “If Emma wants me to make her home feel less lonely and bleak, she has to treat me accordingly. Anyway, I’ll be in cat heaven within a decade, so what do I care if she ends up poor?”

Emma Bradford responded by telling Holly that if she wasn’t careful she would be in cat heaven sooner than she had imagined.

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'Put your big coat on’: how to survive the coming winter by a northerner

Rugged Northerners are unfazed by the impending winter energy crisis. Yorkshireman Roy Hobbs explains his survival tactics.

Put your big coat on

Feeling a chill cut through to your bones? You’re probably still wearing your flimsy summer jacket, you wazzock. Slip on your designated big coat and stop being so soft. Make sure it hasn’t got a hood though, you don’t want to look like one of those weak London types. A flat cap works in all weathers.

Count your blessings

Who cares if the fuel supply runs out? I’ve lived through much worse, like Thatcher, who’s probably somehow to blame for the current crisis. Consider yourself lucky that you’ve got your health and a roof over your head. It’s not like you’re working 14-hour days in a mill for a ha’penny, like my father would have done if he hadn’t been an accountant.

Stockpile the essentials

It wouldn’t hurt to save up a stockpile of Yorkshire tea bags, jars of Bovril and barm cakes. Just make sure you don’t pick up Earl Grey by mistake otherwise you won’t get its poncy, herbal taste out of your mouth for days. Freezing to death would be a sweet release.

Don’t put the heating on

This sounds like the obvious solution, but you’re not bloody made of money and energy costs a fortune. Hot showers are similarly off limits unless you like the idea of being slammed with a hefty bill. A good dose of hypothermia is character building.

Just bloody get on with it

The shops won’t have any food, there won’t be energy left to power our homes, and there will be a perfect storm of pressure on the NHS. So what? You’re making it sound like the end of the world. Get your head down and stop whinging.