Cat's entire life is 'me time'

A CAT has perfected the art of self-care by devoting every second of her energies and time towards herself.

From washing her bum on the kitchen table every morning to finding her owner’s face the most comfortable place to sleep at night, tabby cat Shakira has found a way to be a completely self-focussed pain in the arse.

Shakira commented: “When I was younger, I was so obsessed with pleasing people that I never stopped to wonder what made me happy. I reached burn-out after three weeks of trying to please my owner by dicking around with string.

“Since then, I’ve learned to take responsibility for my own happiness. Pissing on the sofa is an act of self-love, as is covering every surface in clumps of my fur, or even vomiting up a load of jellied liver in the wardrobe.”

Owner Eleanor Shaw said: “Shakira has the life I’m striving for. I can only dream of one day having as much time to disappear figuratively and literally up my own ar*ehole.”

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What to wipe your a*se with during the toilet paper crisis

HAS the coronavirus made everyone freak out and stockpile all the toilet paper from your local Asda? Here’s what to use instead.


Probably not the first time you’ve considered rubbing a tabloid between your butt crack, but now you’ve got the perfect opportunity to test the absorbency of the gutter press. Careful the ink doesn’t transfer to your a*se cheeks though.

Your hands

Admittedly not an ideal solution, and if you’ve run out of hand sanitiser you’re in real trouble. However it should stop you from touching your face so you might avoid getting infected.


The average library book should get you through dozens of your filthy morning ablutions, or you can minimise the impact on your local services by tearing pages out of something massive that you already own, like Infinite Jest. You were never going to read it anyway, you pretentious tw*t.

Energy bills

EDF has been shitting on you for months so wreak petty vengeance by cleaning yourself with their latest debit statement. Sadly, this won’t stop them from pestering you about installing a smart meter though.

Bathroom towels

Not only are they soft, absorbant and within arm’s reach of the porcelain throne, but you can chuck them in the wash so they’ll be ready to fight another day. The upside is they’re less wasteful, the downside is that you’re now officially a dirty b*stard.