FINDING a holiday home these days is a massive faff, involving more inconvenient rules than ever, like these:
No check-in until 10pm
Due to strict hygiene protocols, the cleaners will need all day and most of the night to wipe away the filthy germs from the last guests. Unfortunately this means you will not be able to arrive until it’s too dark to find the key box, let alone unpack the car or feel any excitement about this lovely break you have planned.
Tolerate the weird decor
If the place you are staying is some git’s second home, they will have filled it with all the weird shit they are too embarrassed to have in their own home and yet too tight to replace with new stuff. Prepare for a set of plates from an old tin mine museum, a random wooden African sculpture, and five well-thumbed John Grishams.
Separate the recycling according to the local council’s 527 rules
The last thing you want to do on holiday is be responsible for the environment but chucking everything in the bin will not go unnoticed by your militant hosts. The 153-page laminated folder that comes with the property will offer detailed instructions on exactly where to put tins, when at home you normally bung everything in one bag and hope for the best.
Vacate the property by 4am
You can’t pack up and go in the early hours without leaving the property looking like a total shit heap, but this is what the cleaning protocol dictates. This means you must undo the minor amount of relaxation you accrued on holiday and stay up all night bleaching the bannisters until it’s time for check out.
Pay five times the normal price
At the end of the week, you will be depressed and angry that you have paid an eye-watering amount of money to uproot your life and spend a week cleaning someone else’s badly styled home. Next year’s holiday will be camping in the garden.