Christ, did I wear that? A man explains why he looked such a twat in the 80s and 90s

HI, I’m Nathan Muir. I’m a normally dressed middle-aged man now. But back in the 80s and 90s I looked like a colossal knobhead due to my fashion choices. Here are some of them:

Bucket hats and bandanas

On the rare occasions when I chose to cover my 90s curtain haircut, I’d wear a bucket hat like Reni out of the Stone Roses. When my neck went stiff from tipping my head back to see where I was going, I’d switch to a fresh-looking bandana, like Axl Rose. I thought I was cool. Jesus.

Combat pants and baggy jeans

I desperately wanted to stand out from the crowd, so wearing camouflage combat pants wasn’t the greatest choice. Before that my baggy ‘Madchester’ jeans were even worse as they got caught under my trainers and hems covered in all sort of filth and dogshit isn’t a good look. 

Logo t-shirts and sweatshirts

Nothing says 80s like a baggy ‘Frankie says relax’ or ‘Choose life’ t-shirt. Or a ‘Gold’s Gym’ vest under a ‘Pineapple Dance Studio’ sweatshirt. I rocked them all, and if you didn’t like it a ‘No Problemo’ sweatshirt was my withering response.

Dungarees

My unappreciated workhorse of 80s and 90s fashion, and only one pair ever needed. Both straps up for the 80s Dexys hobo look, then one strap hanging down a decade later for the Will Smith fresh flattop vibe. Still in vogue now, but mainly for painting and decorating gigs.

Track suits/shell suits

No self-respecting homeboy like me would be seen in the 80s without a two-piece, highly-flammable tracksuit, Adidas sneakers without laces, and NYC cap turned backwards. Or I could slip into a pastel shellsuit and effortlessly switch from ‘Run DMC’ to ‘scally off Brookside’.

The ‘Canadian tuxedo’

One 80s and 90s outfit that never suffered rejection from urban catwalks is the Canadian tuxedo, or double denim shirt and jeans. My kids keep asking to look at old photos of me, but I think it’s because they like laughing until they almost wet themselves.

The softer side of Hitler: How to teach according to government 'balance' guidelines

WONDERING how schools will teach sensitive topics in a non-biased way? Read the government’s new advice for tackling thorny subjects.

The softer side of Hitler

Everyone tends to focus on Hitler causing the most horrific war in history. To show his softer side, teachers should highlight his delicate watercolours. And did he buy lots of chew toys for Blondi? Maybe we’ve jumped to conclusions about him being ‘evil’.

Edward Colston’s notable statue legacy

Woke teachers always claim that being a slave trader is bad, but Edward Colston left a notable statue legacy. Any lesson about how he bought and sold human beings must also mention how he put Bristol on the map in 2020 via the arts. Really he deserves another statue to recognise his contribution to the British statue industry.

The economic benefits of global warming

Soaring temperatures and rising sea levels are often taught in a negative light, which does students a disservice by ignoring global warming’s massive economic potential. Once the planet has been knocked about by nature then first world countries such as Britain will be able to sell goods like food and water for a premium. This is a good thing and don’t let snowflakes tell you otherwise.

The cool consequences of the patriarchy

Everyone agrees feminism is a fun little idea but it’s gone too far. There’s nothing wrong with women having the vote, but do we really need a fifth series of The Handmaid’s Tale? No. By contrast, the patriarchy has given us wonderful things like action movies and cars. Any lesson about the Suffragettes should include Top Gear.

15 minutes of daily Boris worship

Any religion except Christianity should be banned, with an exception for mandatory Boris worship. Pupils will praise his portrait and be reminded anything negative they’ve read about him is lies by our enemies. Teachers who refuse to lead the ‘Hail Boris!’ chant will disappear in the night. To ensure balance.