Completing a boxset and four other things that aren't achievements

IS watching hours of television a worthy achievement or a huge waste of time? The latter, obviously. Like these things that aren’t worth celebrating:

Completing a boxset

You’ve sat on your sofa for hundreds of hours and finally seen Tony Soprano being shot, probably. You’re excited to share the sense of satisfaction with your friends, but they don’t care because they watched The Sopranos years ago. And now you have to find another show to fill the gaping hole in your pathetic little life.

Hitting 10,000 steps a day

It’s freezing cold and pouring with rain, and still you bravely labour on. At last you feel it: that pleasant little buzz from your FitBit telling you you’ve just hit 10,000 steps. Won’t your friends be proud of you? Well, no, because they’ve been tucked up nice and warm at home, like normal people.

Catching up on your podcasts

When you woke up today you had five new podcast episodes to listen to, including a curveball of a two-hour special. Somehow you’ve finished them, with 30 minutes left over to stare blankly at a wall. Enjoy not having to listen to twats talking nonsense for a bit, because tomorrow you’ll be doing it all again.

Your fantasy football team’s success

You’ve used your wildcard transfers to perfection, your captain has scored a hat-trick and your goalkeeper has kept a clean sheet. Well done. Unfortunately, your mates couldn’t give a toss that a computer algorithm has awarded you a few more points than some random stranger.

Winning an eBay auction

You’ve had your eye on that original 1993 Jurassic Park T-shirt for two weeks. After watching like a hawk and some tactical bidding, you’ve won it. Except you don’t really ‘win’ on eBay. You’ve still got to pay for the tat you’ve just bought. Winner isn’t the word your friends will use to describe you when you tell them.

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Key in front door substantially increases the need to have a piss

PLACING a key in your front door increases the risk of pissing yourself by up to 97 per cent, experts have found.

Research by the Institute for Studies has also found that unlocking the door and placing one foot inside the house makes having an accident a further 20 per cent more likely.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Most people can’t even look at their front door without their bladder suddenly feeling uncomfortably full. But it’s when the key is turned that things get really urgent.

“If they fumble for a moment, it’s game over and the urine starts seeping out. That’s why most people have doormats, despite what they claim about using them to brush their feet.”

Helen Archer said: “One day the neighbour started chatting to me as I was trying to unlock the door and I felt wee start to dribble down my leg.

“I panicked and told him my waters had broken. Better for him to think I’m having a miracle baby at the age of 54 than pissing myself in the porch.

“I’m now looking into hiring a portaloo for my doorstep.”