Five ways to survive Monday's 'school run to end all school runs'

AFTER months of homeschooling, tomorrow’s return to class is bound to begin with absolute carnage. Here are some tips on how to get through it in one piece.

Do your revision

If you think the traffic is usually bad, just imagine how awful it will be tomorrow. Expect a demolition derby of fraught parents desperately trying not to spend one second longer with their progeny. To make sure you too are driving aggressively enough, watch Mad Max: Fury Road first. The perfect mix of careless driving and apocalyptic imagery.

Pretend to be the police

Cut through the school traffic with all the confidence of someone who has just bought an unofficial blue flashing light on Amazon Prime. It might get you get a six-month jail term, but that will feel like a holiday camp after what you’ve just been through in lockdown 3.

Go early

While all the other idiots are still in bed, why not bring forward your schedule by several hours? Make their packed lunches at midnight, uniforms on at 4am and drop them off whilst it’s still dark. You’ll soon be home for those well-earned pre-dawn pina coladas.

Think outside the box

With the school run, it pays to get creative, so why not take a practice drive to the school? And while you’re there, use traffic cones to secure a parking space in advance. Or even better, take some white emulsion and paint yourself a crude private parking space, right outside the front gates.


A trick used by top sports stars to achieve their goals. Take a quiet moment today to close your eyes and visualise the school run. The car key turning in the ignition, giving lollipop man a wanker sign, the inevitable prang in the car park and, finally, head butting a science teacher for ‘driving like a f**knut’.

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How to improvise a school uniform when none of it fits any more

HAS it been so long since your children physically went to school that none of their uniform fits? Here’s how to improvise in a panic on Monday morning.

Paint a pair of trainers black

The shops are shut so a last-minute dash to Clarks is impossible. Instead, embrace the ‘make do and mend’ spirit of lockdown by slathering a pair of white trainers in black emulsion. Your kid will attract bullies because they smell weird but that will just toughen them up.


Thanks to all that perpetual growing, children go through uniforms incredibly quickly so you should have a few old, too-small ones to hand. Stitch them all together to form a patchwork affair that you think has a charming Technicolour Dreamcoat aesthetic but is actually more Frankenstein.

Say you got confused about the date of World Book Day

World Book Day was last week and technically Superman is from a comic rather than a great literary work, but at least they’re fully dressed and at school. If a teacher complains, angrily demand to know why they’re so intent on shutting down your child’s right to self-expression.

Claim your kids have got a new dry cough

If all else fails, blame Covid. Yes, you’ll shut the school down for another fortnight but at least it will give you and all the other parents the chance to pop down to the big Tesco and get the children properly kitted out.

Just send them in their bathrobes

Let’s face it, it’s pretty much all the kids have known for the last six months. It’s going to be the path of least resistance. Say it’s for their wellbeing, wear yours too, and then dare anyone to make a comment.