Tuesday, 7th July 2020

Cost of living pretentiously in London up 50 percent

THE daily cost of living like an affected tw*t in the capital has rocketed in the last year, it has emerged.

Areas such as Shoreditch and Hackney are among those feeling the pinch as Brexit uncertainty kicks in, leaving their w*nker clientele feeling less financially secure.

Painfully trendy cafe owner Nathan Muir said: “Customers who used to come in for a horribly overpriced bowl of Coco Pops for £5 are now buying cornflakes and eating them at home.

“If you’re running a weird hipster lifestyle website no one reads you just can’t afford to pay £45 for a school satchel to use as a shoulder bag anymore. Personally I know at least three steampunk bloggers who’ve gone out of business completely.”

Hipster leaders have now called for government support for businesses offering penny farthing repairs, moustache wax and retro 1980s meals of burger, chips and beans for £17.95.

Donna Sheridan of the Trendy Bespoke Artisanal Manufacturers’ Association said: “We’re in danger of losing an authentic East End tradition going back decades to 2003. 

“We must act fast or we’re in danger of never seeing a grown man on a Thundercats skateboard again.”