The middle class parents' guide to making the holidays 'educational'

ARE you aspirational parents who think the summer holidays should be a gruelling educational experience? Here’s how to make your kids cleverer than their friends.

Make them keep a holiday diary 

Children must record every mindless detail of the holidays in a journal, eg. finding some f**king beetle during a country walk. This must then be handed in to mum and dad for marking and corrections for even more carefree holiday fun.

Mindbendingly boring day trips 

Forget Alton Towers or fun places your children could bond with their peers over. Your hapless spawn will be visiting worthy locations such as: 

Museums. The dull ones, not ones with tanks. There’s nothing children love more than four hours of trudging round the Prestatyn Museum of Lace Making looking at black-and-white photos of glum Welsh Methodists.

Historical sites. Should always be disappointing, eg. the scene of an English Civil War battle that is just a featureless field, or a ruined castle that’s less impressive than looking at a pile of breeze blocks.

Local churches. The real nadir of family days out. You may even wish to introduce them at an early age to the ultimate dweeb hobby: brass rubbing.

Go for bike rides

A great way to do some learning by stealth. A well-planned bike ride can include learning about oxbow lakes, different types of stile, crop rotation, and many other dull things that will mentally scar your children for life.

Keep track of their progress

Luckily there’s a simple way to tell if they are learning enough: if your kids are tearfully begging to be allowed to go back to school to study long division and chemical formulas, you’re getting the holiday learning just right! 

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Man who claims never to be surprised by anything really getting on everyone's tits

A MAN who says “Is anyone really surprised by this?” in response to every piece of appalling or shocking news is beginning to annoy the f*ck out of people.

Office worker Martin Bishop claims to have been unsurprised by the rise of Donald Trump, Boris Johnson becoming prime minister and even the disappointing ending of Game Of Thrones

Colleague Tom Logan said: “Any time anyone so much as raises an eyebrow at something in the news, Martin’s in there claiming that he was expecting it all along.

“He’s been unsurprised by everything from the referendum result to the heatwave. He really does have amazing predictive powers, especially about things that have already happened. 

“He even did it with 9/11, saying ‘I’m just surprised anyone is surprised’. With his knowledge of world events I’m surprised he hasn’t been recruited by the CIA. 

“However he failed to predict Karen loudly referring to him as ‘that know-it-all d*ckhead Martin’ just as he walked into the office, which was awkward but also very hilarious.”

When asked if he had any tips about future events that might surprise others but not him, Bishop simply smiled in an insufferably smug manner, unaware that everyone was thinking ‘w*nker’.