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Couple have four children but otherwise seem sane

AN outwardly normal couple have decided to have not one, not two, not three, but four children, it has emerged.

Stephen and Carolyn Ryan of Nottingham have four offspring, but all appear to have been conceived, birthed and raised without their parents being visibly deranged or members of a cult.

Neighbour Nathan Muir said: “Initially we assumed they had some kind of contraceptive f**k-up at least twice, but apparently they really did choose to have this many children.

“They do normal things like going to work, taking the kids swimming, going on a family holiday every year. Frankly it’s creepy how they act like there’s nothing wrong.

“Sometimes they even seem happy about this waking nightmare they’ve created for themselves. Surely one day they’ll both snap and set fire to their seven-seater Citroën?”

Family friend Nicola Hollis said: “It’s weird. They’re not religious and they know about contraception. I’d understand if they were parenting influencers getting lucrative washing powder deals, but it’s like they enjoy having kids or something.”

Youngest son Oliver said: “I’d like to have more brothers and sisters, but mummy said ‘No, there’s a limit to how many times I can watch Bluey, so f**k that’.”

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Can you find Morgan McSweeney's phone and instantly end the Starmer government?

THE goal has been set: find the supposedly stolen phone of former Starmer aide Morgan McSweeney, end the current government and choose the next one. Here’s how:

Check police records

The Metropolitan Police, who are left-wingers in Labour’s pocket as their arrest records show, are lying about ‘failing to investigate the theft’. As if a police force would give out a crime number and then do nothing. Comb their records and you’ll soon find, as with all phone thefts, they assigned a senior detective to it immediately.

Find the culprit

Lying prick McSweeney claimed the phone was stolen by a ‘balaclava-wearing man on a bike’. Immediately suspicious, as such a gang could never roam central London with impunity. Police notes hidden from the public suggest the gang was made up of ‘Albanian nationals’ and the phone was ‘already on its way out of the UK’. It’s gone international.

Trace the address

Records show the phone was taken to a rented house in Croydon. Rented to who? A ‘Jim Smith’ who, a residency search proves, does not exist. The police explanation? ‘This is a multi-occupancy property used for criminal purposes.’ Come on, officer, this isn’t Charles Dickens’s Oliver Twist. Who really owns it? A landlord with a foreign name.

Follow the money

The foreign name is instantly suspicious. The Land Registry claims he’s a former Indian national investing in UK property. Albania and India? The plot thickens. This now appears to be a major international operation to protect McSweeney and his puppetmaster Starmer. Where do stolen phones end up? You guessed it. China.

Source the signal

Simply engaging Find My iPhone, admittedly for a different stolen phone but they’re largely identical, shows it ended up in Shenzhen, China. And now we’re getting closer to the motive: McSweeney is in their pay, Starmer is an agent of a foreign power, his true goal is the downfall of the West just like Liz Truss said and this phone will prove it.

Secure the phone

One long-haul flight later, a Chinese reseller picks up a phone from a stack without even looking while assuring you this is definitely the right one. Heading home, you scroll through messages that will bring down the government, once translated from Spanish and you’ve cracked the code of them pretending to be a teenage girl and her boyfriend. You’ve won.

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