Couple thought loft conversion would be more life-changing than this

A COUPLE’S dream of turning their shabby loft into an idyllic living space has been shattered by actually going through the process.

Nikki Hollis and Stephen Malley were convinced a dormer conversion would rejuvenate their miserable lives but actually just caused a f**kload of mess and stress.

Hollis said: “We spent ages planning and designing, both secretly hoping that installing two Velux windows and a small ensuite bathroom would somehow erase a decade of marital tedium.

“However, as soon as we started the actual work, it all went to shit. Stephen had accumulated so much crap up there that it took four weekends to sort it, and we had a particularly vicious row over the necessity of keeping a partially completed 2005/06 Premier League sticker album.

“Then the builders came and knocked a huge hole in the roof, which led to dust being constantly whipped through the house due to the icy draught. When they eventually finished we realised we didn’t have anywhere to put the stuff we’d got out in the first place and just crammed it all back up there again.

“So now we’ve blown £15k on what is essentially a fancy storage space with it’s own bathroom and lots of natural light, and our marriage is a step closer to ending. Not the result we were looking for, really.”

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Five candle-flavoured drinks to pretend to like this autumn

AUTUMN, the season of kicking up leaves, having bonfires and drinking disgusting, sickly, overly-spiced drinks. Here are the worst:

Gingerbread hot chocolate

Brimming with childish whimsy, this is the perfect entry point for those new to the world of tenuously-themed autumnal drinks. Make an already horribly sweet hot chocolate extra unpalatable with a few pumps of synthetic gingerbread-flavoured goo and feel the turning of the season wash right over you.

Chai latte

Let everyone know you went to Asia in your gap year with a heavily Westernised chai that’ll spark an IBS flare up. Feeling daring? Make it dirty with a double shot of espresso which defeats the point of this naturally low-caffeine beverage and really gives your bowels a run for their money.

Creamy hazelnut frappe

Given that climate change has made temperatures wildly unseasonal, an iced coffee might be just what you need on the hottest day of the year in September. Add a touch of harvest time with a squirt of hazelnut syrup and top with a frankly disgusting amount of whipped cream from an aerosol can. Just like simple country folk did in the olden days.

Mulled wine

Ever wished you could swill the molten wax straight from your Yankee candle? You can get almost the same experience with a lovely autumnal mulled wine, which is so full of cinnammon sticks, orange slices and star anise that there’s barely any liquid left to imbibe.

Pumpkin spice latte

With notes of reed diffuser and grandma’s dusty potpourri, the PSL is a seasonal staple and the only real choice on the market for true autumn lovers. Not available at your nice local independent cafe though, so you’ll have to go to evil multinational Starbucks for this bucket of vile orange liquid that you will regret paying a fiver for after you’ve taken the first sip.