Couple try to remember what they did at weekends before they had f**king kids

A COUPLE are trying to remember how they spent weekends before they were entirely given over to the demands of their children.

Tom and Louisa Booker of Buxton, whose weekends are dictated by the demands of their 12-year-old son and eight-year-old daughter from start to finish, know they must theoretically have done other things when childless but cannot recall what.

Louisa said: “Well we’d get up, and… wait, no. I don’t suppose we’d have to. Did we just spend all day in bed? Why wouldn’t you?”

Her husband replied: “No, we were up by noon, at least, and then… well we wouldn’t have had to go to junior football or ballet lessons or any of that shit. But what?

“Did we go out for brunch? I kind of sort of remember eating while relaxed without having to take anyone for a shit mid-pancake. Could that be real?”

Louisa said: “Then the afternoon. Did we, I don’t know, poke around an antiques market? Go to the pub? I know we still had sex back then, but not all weekend. God, I’m completely blanking on what it would be like not dancing to a child’s whims.”

Tom said: “I remember sometimes in the evening we’d watch a film. At the cinema. There, that’s Saturday dealt with. Now what the f**k did we do on Sundays?”

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Man who paid £17,000 in stamp duty last year never voting Tory again

A MAN who paid seventeen f**king grand in stamp duty last year is never voting Tory again, he has confirmed. 

Julian Cook paid the amount while buying his house last year only to find ‘Liz twatting Truss and her growth-crazy dickheads’ cutting it to practically nothing.

He said: “Let me give you the picture. You’ve got 17 thousand pounds in your hand. It gets taken off you by the government then they announce from now on it’s free. Angry yet?

“Do you know what I could have done with that money? Not been on the bones of my arse when my fixed-rate deal runs out in 2023, for one.

“I know it’s petty and selfish and ignorant of the wider problems of society, but I’m a Tory voter. That’s who we are and what we’re about.

“I didn’t mind the pandemic stamp duty holiday. But telling me it’s 17k for a ticket then opening the doors to every bastard? I’d rather vote Starmer.”

He added: “Oh, and apparently now I’m a top-rate taxpayer. Well don’t I feel f**king rich.”