Weirdo prefers fake crime to true crime

A WOMAN prefers watching or reading about horrible acts when they are fictional and not something that happened to a real human, she has confirmed.

Lucy Phipps, aged 32,  has caused consternation after revealing she would rather see a narratively satisfying TV show where the perpetrator is always caught than a documentary about a disturbing real-life murder.

Phipps said: “Most of my friends are obsessed with true crime, but somehow I haven’t been able to derive any enjoyment from learning in detail how a serial killer mutilated their victims.

“I tried to get into Making A Murderer but I didn’t realise I was supposed to come to a weirdly strongly-held conclusion about who did it, like some kind of citizen sleuth. That sounds like a job for the police, and I’m not qualified for it.

“One of my friends says she likes listening to true crime podcasts in the bath, but somehow the grisly descriptions and tense music didn’t make me feel very relaxed. In fact, I was scared shitless. Maybe there’s something wrong with me?”

Friend Kelly Howard said: “Lucy doesn’t find terrifying psychopath Ted Bundy attractive in a dark, edgy way. That’s f**king weird, right?”

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Nail bars at war with vape shops for total high street domination

NAIL bars and vape shops are locked in a ruthless head-to-head war to win complete control of every high street in Britain, it has emerged.

The two phenomenons of modern retailing are fighting it out to be the only stores left as increasing numbers of shoppers order everything off the internet because they can’t be arsed to go out.

Tom Logan, owner of The Vaped Crusader in Dudley, said: “The plan is that you won’t be able to walk a metre up any road in town without someone selling you a bottle of aniseed flavoured e-liquid.

“Every other retailer has closed, aside from the nail bars. But they won’t win because they only appeal to the female half of the population, unless you live in some hipster shitehole like Bristol or Brighton. We will crush them.”

Nikki Hollis, owner of A Whiter Shade Of Nails, said: “We’ve basically won already. You can order all that vaping crap off the internet, but you can’t order someone to come round and do your nails while trading local gossip.

“The only thing we haven’t cracked is creating an environment where men can discuss tedious details like lithium-ion battery specifications.

“But once we’ve got them interested in talking obsessively about the best type of bonder to use with dip powder nails, we will have vanquished our enemy and will rule over all.”