Finally it's our turn for some f**king consideration, say rich

THE UK’s rich have welcomed a budget that puts them and their needs first for a f**king change.

Kwasi Kwarteng’s mini-budget scraps the banker bonus cap, abolishes the higher rate of income tax, gets rid of stamp duty, and abandons a planned corporation tax rise, helping the six-figure strugglers who keep Britain running.

Hedge fund manager Martin Bishop said: “Well thank f**k for the long-overdue return of common sense.

“All we’ve heard about in years is small businesses, hard-working strivers, and low-income familes on the poverty line. We so badly needed a government to tell all those losers to get f**ked.

“If they want something from this budget they need to triple their incomes and get their hands on some assets. They’ve been given all the encouragement they need so they’ve no excuse.

“Once I’ve finished with my cars, houses, yachts or women I don’t throw them away. I pass them on down the pyramid, so benefiting me benefits everyone. That’s basic economics. At last, a chancellor who gets it.”

Fork-lift driver Wayne Hayes said: “I see where this is going. We’re making the whole country as deeply in debt and completely f**ked as I am.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

No wasting time on office politics bullshit: Five ways workers do more from home

A NEW survey has revealed that bosses think workers are less productive when toiling away at home. This is why, as usual, they are wrong.

They don’t have to make small talk with bosses

Workers will endure listening to their boss talk about their golfing weekend and laugh at their shit jokes in the office because they’re worried they’ll get fired if they don’t. When working from home they’re relieved from this time-wasting burden and can get down to business or scroll social media, which is the same thing for trendy media types.

It’s easier to wank

A quick mid-morning hand shandy sets up a worker for the day ahead by boosting their mood and promptly taking their mind off sex. Home workers are free to do this wherever and whenever they want, provided they aren’t in a Zoom meeting. Meanwhile office workers have to sneak to the bathroom or have an office affair, both of which are a drain on productivity.

No more tiring commute

Driving to work or trudging onto packed public transport is a demoralising grind which involves waking up early. By rolling out of bed two minutes before their contracted starting time, home workers can enjoy a lie-in, save money, and have extra energy for reading and sending emails. They need it too because they’ve got into the habit of staying up until 2am.

No wasting time on office politics bullshit

Waging a petty feud against the bastard from marketing who dared to use the cup you bought in from home back in 2018 might be the highlight of your days as an office worker, but it does nothing to increase the business’s bottom line. Home workers don’t have to contend with this distraction and can instead concentrate on bitching to their friends via WhatsApp.

They’re happier

Despite what bosses think, most workers do not enjoy being in the office, typing on their keyboards and attending meetings that drag on to their scheduled finishing time. They’d much rather be at home sitting in front of the TV and eating crisps. By working at home they can do both at the same time more efficiently because they’re happier.