Curtains haircuts, and other mistakes of the 90s young people keep repeating

GENERATION Z thinks they’re more switched on than the rest of us. So how come they keep making these mistakes of the 1990s?


Zoomers’ ancestors experimented with curtains decades ago and gradually realised centre partings look shit. For all their hatred of side partings, the younger generation should realise that they’re the lesser of two evils. Once their hairlines start to recede they’ll be begging their barbers for a cut that sweeps across their forehead.

Falling for bullshit fads

Fads were huge in the 90s, but at least Tamagotchis and Beanie Babies weren’t harvesting our data on an industrial scale. Gen Z teens know they’re getting data-mined from the second they wake up, yet still they download TikTok to record tedious lip sync videos. Perhaps we should welcome the fall of Western civilisation after all.

Using nauseating slang

Yes, back in the 90s people really would say ‘gnarly’ and ‘wassup?’ without a hint of irony, which is a bit rich for a decade which aspired to be aloof and self-aware. However this lexicon is nothing compared to today’s embarrassing slang. Plus every utterance of ‘stan’ and ‘glow up’ will be recorded for posterity in HD on a smartphone.

Having a Friends obsession

Comedy was in a weird place during the 90s. For every Fast Show and Brass Eye there was a Home Improvement or Veronica’s Closet. Perhaps we clung to Friends out of confusion, but there’s something unnatural about today’s young people being really into Chandler. Pity their kids though, who will grow up during the Little Britain revival.

Waging inter-generational warfare

Every generation has their cross to bear. Boomers f**ked everything up, Gen X brought us the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Millennials made liking Harry Potter compulsory. Zoomers could break the cycle of intergenerational tribalism, but instead they’re calling us ‘cheugy’ and mistakenly thinking they’ll be coolest demographic forever. Here’s hoping the next bullshit generation rips the piss.

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Twats who moved to countryside shitting themselves at petrol prices

SMUG knobs who moved from London to the countryside cannot f**king believe how much getting anywhere at all costs now, they have confirmed.

The urban wankers who cashed in their two-bedroom flats in Crouch End for five-bedroom houses in Nottinghamshire during the pandemic have now discovered they have to drive to get anywhere and petrol prices are through the f**king roof.

Julian Cook said: “Shit. Shit. It’s a 15-mile round trip to get to the pissing Asda.

“Then there’s the schools, which aren’t close, and getting to the train station for my meetings with clients in London, and the 60 miles to drive anywhere that has any semblance of culture, and I think maybe we f**ked up.

“We upsized car to a Land Rover when we moved because you need a 4×4 for these country roads. The f**king bastard drinks diesel.

“Plus the house, while gratifyingly massive and detached, has heating bills you wouldn’t believe. And that’s now. What’s it going to be like in six months?

“I mentioned it to the farmer next door and he said it doesn’t bother him because he has red diesel. Whatever that is I need it. This is a human rights issue. I’m launching a hashtag.”