GENERATION Z thinks they’re more switched on than the rest of us. So how come they keep making these mistakes of the 1990s?
Zoomers’ ancestors experimented with curtains decades ago and gradually realised centre partings look shit. For all their hatred of side partings, the younger generation should realise that they’re the lesser of two evils. Once their hairlines start to recede they’ll be begging their barbers for a cut that sweeps across their forehead.
Falling for bullshit fads
Fads were huge in the 90s, but at least Tamagotchis and Beanie Babies weren’t harvesting our data on an industrial scale. Gen Z teens know they’re getting data-mined from the second they wake up, yet still they download TikTok to record tedious lip sync videos. Perhaps we should welcome the fall of Western civilisation after all.
Using nauseating slang
Yes, back in the 90s people really would say ‘gnarly’ and ‘wassup?’ without a hint of irony, which is a bit rich for a decade which aspired to be aloof and self-aware. However this lexicon is nothing compared to today’s embarrassing slang. Plus every utterance of ‘stan’ and ‘glow up’ will be recorded for posterity in HD on a smartphone.
Having a Friends obsession
Comedy was in a weird place during the 90s. For every Fast Show and Brass Eye there was a Home Improvement or Veronica’s Closet. Perhaps we clung to Friends out of confusion, but there’s something unnatural about today’s young people being really into Chandler. Pity their kids though, who will grow up during the Little Britain revival.
Waging inter-generational warfare
Every generation has their cross to bear. Boomers f**ked everything up, Gen X brought us the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Millennials made liking Harry Potter compulsory. Zoomers could break the cycle of intergenerational tribalism, but instead they’re calling us ‘cheugy’ and mistakenly thinking they’ll be coolest demographic forever. Here’s hoping the next bullshit generation rips the piss.