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Cyclist bemoans lack of jeopardy in cycle lane

A CYCLIST used to weaving in and out of traffic has criticised cycle lanes for being too safe.

Lycra-clad Nathan Muir, 37, has slammed local authorities for wasting money on boring cycle routes with no interesting obstacles or the potential for exciting clashes with motorists.

Muir said: “What could take the fun and joie de vivre out of cycling more than allocating a section of the road purely to bikes?

“The thrill of cutting up cars by swerving across lanes has gone. Also the buzz of edging awkwardly through stationary traffic. There are even patronising little arrows telling you which way to go. Pure infantilisation. Why not just make me use stabilisers?

“Believe, me, I’ve tried to like cycle lanes. Me and my cyclist friends formed a two-abreast peloton for maximum obnoxiousness and not a single motorist cared. And stuck in the cycle lane you can’t enjoy coasting through red lights. No beeps, no screamed obscenities. I’m starting to wonder what the point of having a bike is.

“In traffic I go where I want, when I want. In a cycle lane it’s just so restrictive. Good luck flicking sweat onto motorists’ precious paintwork when they’re four feet away.

“It’s no wonder every cyclist I know refuses to use them. Although by taking up space they’ve made the roads more congested, which is how I like them. Oh God, it all makes sense now.”

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Phones, cars, PlayStations: All the things you won't have shortly because of AI

A GLOBAL shortage of memory chips driven by AI demand means many items will no longer be so freely available. Our tech expert explains why that’s fine.

Phones

Your smartphone, which you use for so many things from communication to satnav to music to video? Hang onto your old one, because AI is more important than all of those uses so there won’t be new phones anymore. Drop it down the loo and you’re on a landline, mate. Good news though – your phone now has AI on it!

Gaming consoles

Remember how they used to launch new generations of these? Been a while, hasn’t it? That’s because AI’s had all the chips so you’re stuck with your dusty Xbox Series X forever, though it’s not like there are new games either. Never mind though, adaptive AI gaming is coming and it’ll be incredible in 15-20 years.

Cars

There was never any possible downside to making all cars computerised, apart from persistent software issues and incredibly expensive dealer-only services, but improbably one has now emerged. A minor shunt will now see your vehicle off the road for eight months while new memory chips are imported. Self-driving taxi, sir?

Laptops

We’ve had such an abundance of laptops, haven’t we? No doubt you’ve got a forgotten one on a shelf somewhere. Dig out that bad boy because the business and consumer markets come second to keeping the AI bubble inflated! Want to know why? Consult the AI shoehorned into your browser, spreadsheets, word processor and notes app.

Vital defence systems

As Russia has learned, these days an army marches on its microchips. Everything from drones to missiles are controlled by computer and tragically few of them survive impact. So costly national defence systems will stay a few steps behind as AI rightly takes precedence, apart from China where the state prioritises differently.

Banking

Finally. Global financial systems have been treated to the best of everything for too long. The architecture that controls the world’s money and keeps capitalism from collapsing into feudalism can be left to creak a bit. Has banking gone AI? No, oddly they’ve been reluctant to let hallucinating chatbots nobody understands run their systems. Not sure why.

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