Cyclist shaves three seconds off telling-people-he's-a-cyclist time

A CYCLIST has set a new personal best in how quickly he can tell someone he is into cycling even though they are not interested.

Nathan Muir’s previous best was 9.35 seconds, with the new time standing at just 6.28, and took place during a first date with a woman who quickly decided he was a tosser.

Potential partner Joanna Kramer said: “I started to introduce myself, as you do, but before I’d finished he barked ‘I left my bike outside’ in my face.

“To be honest I’d already guessed he was into cycling because he was wearing full lycra in Pizza Express. If I was in any doubt he kept mentioning cycling throughout the meal. Really dull stuff like routes he goes on with people I don’t know.

“We won’t be seeing each other again. He insisted on drinking his Peroni out of a squeezy water bottle and asked the waiter if they had energy gels.”

Clicking the buttons on his GPS watch, Muir confirmed the record, saying: “Not bad. I could have done better but the restaurant was on an incline.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Tattoo artist has moment of self-doubt about making people look shit

A TATTOO artist has had the disturbing thought that every customer looks worse, not better, after visiting him.

Tom Booker, who has been covering people in hideous permanent doodles for the last decade, suddenly realised that anyone who likes to look good should not use his services.

Booker said: “I’d just finished tattooing a picture of Ed Sheeran on a woman’s boob where his eye was a nipple and I thought, ‘What the fuck am I doing?’

“I’d given her an image I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. She thinks it’s a laugh now, but I used to think that about my eyebrow ring until I realised I looked like a bellend and took it off.

“She’s stuck with it forever, along with all the other poor bastards with their kids’ weird names, Bart Simpsons and Chinese lettering that actually says ‘crispy squid with noodles’ in Thai.”

Asked if the revelation was going to make him change career, Booker said: “Nah. If idiots think it’s a good idea to deface themselves with shit drawings of Hello Kitty, who am I to refuse to take their money?”