A DAD inexplicably keeps having unnecessary bonfires of items that could simply be put in one of the wheelie bins.
Family members have speculated that Roy Hobbs’ pyres of twigs, cardboard and frequently plastics may not be motivated by a simple desire to get rid of rubbish.
Wife Vanessa said: “Roy’s always looking for things to burn. I can’t see the point of having a recycling bin when he loots it for the ‘best’ bits of cardboard for his pointless fires.
“Once when he’d burnt all the twigs and leaves out of the garden bin he said he was going to try burning soil. He looked so disappointed when I made him put the paraffin back in the shed.
“I think it’s some weird male thing, or a genetic memory of being a caveman protecting his tribe with fire. I bet they didn’t burn a load of old carpet right next to the fucking washing though.”
Hobbs said: “I don’t get some sort of weird thrill out of my occasional twice-weekly fires. They’re just a sensible way of stopping the recycling bin getting too full.
“I am like Vulcan, Roman god of fire, purging the earth with my mighty powers of incineration. Did I just say that out loud?”