Dad determined to burn things that could just go in the rubbish

A DAD inexplicably keeps having unnecessary bonfires of items that could simply be put in one of the wheelie bins.

Family members have speculated that Roy Hobbs’ pyres of twigs, cardboard and frequently plastics may not be motivated by a simple desire to get rid of rubbish.

Wife Vanessa said: “Roy’s always looking for things to burn. I can’t see the point of having a recycling bin when he loots it for the ‘best’ bits of cardboard for his pointless fires.

“Once when he’d burnt all the twigs and leaves out of the garden bin he said he was going to try burning soil. He looked so disappointed when I made him put the paraffin back in the shed.

“I think it’s some weird male thing, or a genetic memory of being a caveman protecting his tribe with fire. I bet they didn’t burn a load of old carpet right next to the fucking washing though.”

Hobbs said: “I don’t get some sort of weird thrill out of my occasional twice-weekly fires. They’re just a sensible way of stopping the recycling bin getting too full.

“I am like Vulcan, Roman god of fire, purging the earth with my mighty powers of incineration. Did I just say that out loud?”

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How to blame other people for f**king up at work

ARE you always getting things wrong at work but don’t fancy being unemployed? Read our guide to shifting the blame.

Basically say your co-workers are shit

Gary keeps forgetting to copy you into emails, Lucy is too chatty and Rob eats his sandwiches in a distracting way. There’s no way a business genius like you can be expected to work in this hellish environment.

Your boss isn’t ‘inspiring’ you

It’s unclear how your hapless line manager not having the leadership skills of General George Patton is causing you to turn up late with a hangover every morning, but it’s worth a try.

Luckily many bosses read bullshit business books with titles like Crossing the Business Rubicon: How to Lead Like Caesar, so they will probably agree with you, the twats.

Learn from the bellends on The Apprentice

These tossers are masters of evading responsibility when their business plan to sell vindaloo baby food or whatever goes tits up. Try things like: “Sasha was disrespecting my input as project manager when I was trying to keep it real.” Remember not to add “Sir Alan”.

Use wanky business jargon

This works best in large companies where corporate drivel is the lingua franca. Say things like “Simon hasn’t been keeping me in the loop” or “Rebecca isn’t proactively intra-strategising me in the feedback synergy.”

Note: Less effective in small businesses in the North where your boss will simply ask you if you want a toe up your arse.

Demand to have every trivial piece of shit confirmed

You MUST have an email confirming you’re meant to go to meetings or exhibitions you’re clearly meant to attend. Otherwise you’ll just sit at your desk eating cashews and playing World of Warships.

Claim your colleagues are plotting to murder you

Strictly a last-ditch excuse for serious work problems like defrauding your employer to the tune of £43,000.