A DEALER has proclaimed that his cocaine is now proudly 100 per cent cocaine-free.
Jack Browne of Ealing has been working towards the goal for some time, believing it necessary for both ethics and profit, before selling his first coke-free grams this weekend.
He said: “Cocaine – real cocaine – is manufactured in a regulation-free environment and it’s the little people who suffer. And for while I’ve struggled with that on my conscience.
“So gradually I’ve been phasing it out and substituting it with fair trade alternatives, like novocaine, amphetamines, caffeine, laxatives, and baby powder, for everyone’s good.
“This weekend I took the plunge, because my supplier got busted, and I’m happy to announce that the cocaine I sold was cruelty, exploitation, and cocaine-free. And you didn’t even notice the difference.”
Customer Charlotte Phelps said: “His coke’s always been piss-poor, but I didn’t realise I’d spent the past year spunking hundreds of quid on bicarb.
“I thought I’d been gakked up at every house party I’d attended and blamed my interminable rants on the coke, when it turns out I’m just a gobby, profoundly dull twat.”
