Dealer's cocaine now entirely cocaine-free

A DEALER has proclaimed that his cocaine is now proudly 100 per cent cocaine-free. 

Jack Browne of Ealing has been working towards the goal for some time, believing it necessary for both ethics and profit, before selling his first coke-free grams this weekend.

He said: “Cocaine – real cocaine – is manufactured in a regulation-free environment and it’s the little people who suffer. And for while I’ve struggled with that on my conscience.

“So gradually I’ve been phasing it out and substituting it with fair trade alternatives, like novocaine, amphetamines, caffeine, laxatives, and baby powder, for everyone’s good.

“This weekend I took the plunge, because my supplier got busted, and I’m happy to announce that the cocaine I sold was cruelty, exploitation, and cocaine-free. And you didn’t even notice the difference.”

Customer Charlotte Phelps said: “His coke’s always been piss-poor, but I didn’t realise I’d spent the past year spunking hundreds of quid on bicarb.

“I thought I’d been gakked up at every house party I’d attended and blamed my interminable rants on the coke, when it turns out I’m just a gobby, profoundly dull twat.”

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Masturbator's suspension of belief ruined by MILF who's never done a school run

A MAN watching pornography has been completely taken out of the whole experience by a so-called MILF who has obviously never even unfolded a pushchair. 

Porn fan and stickler for realism Stephen Malley was drawn to ‘MILF’s Wild Ride’ by the promise of a tired, overworked mother fornicating, but was left cold by a woman without bags under her eyes from watching Ben & Holly from 5am.

He said: “The star was in her 30s, certainly, so motherhood wasn’t out of the question. But where was the sigh of resignation when she realised an erect cock had been added to her to-do list?

“Why the eagerness, when her expression should have been one of grim resignation throughout? She orgasmed without even listening for the washing machine’s spin cycle ending. That’s not believable.

“Then I realised – this wasn’t a mother. She’s never scrubbed vomit off carpets at 3am. She’s never sat through a nativity play. She’s not familiar with the business end of a nit comb.

“I couldn’t believe in the piece. Motivations, character, tits, nothing. Typical Pornhub. Half of its pizza delivery men are in non-regulation uniform.

“There’s just no respect for the consumer. It must be why I feel so ashamed afterwards.”