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'Dickheads' and other more accurate terms to describe performative males

MEN who insincerely adopt female-friendly behaviours to attract women have been labelled ‘performative males’. However these far better terms exist:

Dickheads

Why dress up men with shallow feminine interests in flowery language? You wouldn’t call a cheater an ‘amorous adventurer’, so why give inauthentic blokes pretending to like feminist bands a clever-sounding title? The most direct description is often the best, and in the case of men who pretend to be cultured and sensitive to try to get into your pants, the appropriate word is ‘dickhead’.

Toxic twats

There’s nothing inherently wrong with a man carrying a tote bag and proudly reading feminist literature. Other men may think he’s a bit of a ponce, but so long as he’s doing it of his own accord it’s not exactly pure evil. The problem with performative males is that they’re only doing these things in order to do very unprogressive things in the bedroom, making them twats of the toxic persuasion.

Sneaky shits

Performative males may be dickheads, but it shouldn’t be overlooked that they’re also devious. Instead of trying to bluster their way into a woman’s bed with male bravado, they’ve studied the dating landscape and opted for an underhanded strategy. One that a worrying number of men might be tempted to try if they weren’t too embarrassed to buy a Labubu doll.

Fake beta bastards

Phoney performative males have ruined being a thoughtful, sensitive man for all of the genuine beta cucks out there. Baggy knitwear and owning a cat was all these mild-mannered blokes had in their sexual armoury, and now that’s been forever trashed by youthful trendy knobheads who drink matcha tea and pretend to understand Mary Wollstonecraft.

Regrettably attractive

For women, one of the worst things about performative males is that they can bypass their better judgement and come across as regrettably attractive. Yes, everything they do is superficial, but some of them look a bit like Timothée Chalamet. And compared to the other oddballs and would-be pick-up artists on the dating market they’re among the most harmless. So long as you ignore that weird sense of fakeness you can’t quite put your finger on.

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Britain's Summer of Rage given two-star rating

BRITAIN’S much-hyped Summer of Rage was a disappointing let-down worth only two stars out of five, it has been revealed.

Talked up as a blockbuster sequel to last year’s riots, which were an authentic expression of national anger and definitely not racists pissed off their side lost the election, the Summer of Rage was predicted to change everything.

Instead it amounted to a few hundred people protesting outside hotels, England flags on footbridges over dual carriageways, and an MSP joining Reform as if anyone cared.

Reviewer Susan Traherne said: “Rage? I’m not sure this crossed the threshold to ‘mild annoyance’.

“There were certainly angry people involved, largely outside The Bell Hotel, Epping. However, the assumption the nation at large cared what was going on outside The Bell Hotel, Epping – or indeed the wider Epping area – was fatally flawed.

“Were the flags intended to provoke rage? Were they an expression of rage? Whichever it was, I and the British people didn’t get it. They’re flags. We had loads of them up for the Lionesses literally a month ago.

“Either way, a total letdown. Two stars and that’s generous. The summer of Barbenheimer was better.”

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